Kyuuketsuki Duo: The Wonder Years Part 3
Shinma Urami -- Part 2
"So tell me, Heero. What did it mean, you know?"
Duo felt Heero stiffen under his hands, a difficult feat for onewho always held himself so rigidly. Once again, Duo had to curse the mask which hid his guardian's face so well when he was being non-responsive, but he had a feeling that beneath it, his face would be just as carefully blank and stiff as the expressionless mask implied.
Heero released him abruptly and glided back a few steps, the physical distant reflecting the sudden chasm that Duo felt opened between them.
::It didn't mean anything,:: he stated flatly.
Taken aback, Duo regarded him with wide eyes, curious as to what would make the normally stoic Shinma react in such a manner, and a trifle hurt that he refused to share it with him. They had been partners for some time now, and until now, Heero had always been straightforward and honest with him, distressingly so at times. Now, however, there was no escaping the fact that he was bothered somehow by the recent events; Duo didn't need to be able to see his face to determine that. His imperturbable calm and patience had not been much evident since the search for the Shinma Urami began, manifesting itself in subtle ways: fewer words, even for a being of few words to begin with; a sharper tone to his mindvoice, a cutting edge to them that at one point gave Duo the impression of a papercut with every thought he articulated, although the words themselves may have been mild; a certain stiffness, his movements lacking their relaxed flow and ease, at least to Duo, who had spent some time studying his mentor's ways.
He folded his arms loosely across his chest, his pose appearing casual, although it was belied by the stiffness of his shoulders and the set of his jaw.
"That had better be the complete and unadulterated truth, Heero," he said quietly. "If you don't want to talk about it, fine, just tell me you don't want to talk about it. Or you don't have to say anything, if you don't want to. I trust you not to withhold anything that would endanger us. Whatever, but please, no lies, no half-truths, no deception. You know I need that from you."
He bridged the distance between them with a few slow, unthreatening steps, and placed his hand lightly on Heero's cold cheek, beseeching him with warm, encouraging eyes.
"But please... You don't have to hide anything from me, least of all the truth." Duo willed himself to see beyond the mask, and for a brief moment, superimposed upon what he saw with his eyes, he glimpsed the image of the beautiful face he saw all those nights ago, on the night of their fateful meeting on a starlit beach. Prussian eyes stared back at him from a chiseled face, a dozen fleeting messages crossing them that Duo couldn't interpret. He exhaled softly, disappointed at the lack of response, and let his hand drop from Heero's face.
As he turned away, he rearranged the shadows of his work clothes into a mid-thigh-length open yukata, which, along with his more substantial loose pants and soft boots, comprised his 'relax at home' clothes. Sighing softly again, he moved towards the open front of their home, and seated himself on the veranda, legs drawn up to his chest, his chin resting on his knees. The place they called home, in a little corner of nowhere, was a piece of the mindscape. In this place between places, pure thought was given substance. This was part of the boundary that it was Duo's duty to guard, for it represented the threshold between the substantial, human, world, and the insubstantial world, filled not only with Shinma, but with demons, elementals, spirits, gods, and other higher plane creatures. This was a place that was influenced by strong thoughts and emotions, and was a place where creatures who fed off of men were often spawned from their own prey's fears and nightmares.
On the flip side of things, it was also a place that Duo could shape with his own thoughts, being a place that he was very much in tune with, for it existed in the guardians' blood. Therefore, when he had decided that he wanted a place to call home, he thought into existence a house for himself, modeled after the old abandoned temple that he first found himself in during the early days of his guardianship. He had imagined a field of wild grass in front of the porch, and there it was, before the landscape gave way once more to the black and twisted trees that had somehow become an established presence through much of the boundary. He had dreamt himself a small field of stars in a night sky -- a sunny day would have been too much to dream for in this land of eternal dusk -- and it was at these same stars he now gazed, trying to find comfort in the constant sentinels, but tonight they seemed only cold and distant. Not unlike his present company....
::I'm... sorry.:: The hesitant apology startled him from his brooding, and he turned to look at the speaker. ::I... wasn't trying to hide anything from you.:: Heero hadn't moved from his standing position in the middle of the room, his face turned in the general direction of outside, but clearly not watching the grass ripple in response to the currents of the otherwinds, nor the stars continuing in their uncaring course.
Once more, Duo had a brief vision of the face beneath the mask, deep blue eyes unfocused, his thoughts obviously turned inward, and he knew that the prickly mood had somehow passed with its realization. On the edge of his consciousness, where Heero's presence hovered, Duo could sense jumbled thoughts, a desire to say something more, but no idea how to say it.
A small smile of relief bloomed on Duo's face. Heero was his touchstone. His reference point. He had built his entire conception of reality around Heero's constant, solid presence, and if it turned out that he suddenly couldn't count on him anymore to provide him with an untarnished view, one without attempts at deception or obfuscation, then his whole world would turn upside down, and he'd be lost in the shadows, without Heero's light to guide him. It was probably unhealthy, he knew, but he didn't care. It was the only thing keeping him sane right now, truth in the face of the deceiving ways of the Shinma.
The words were reassuring to Duo, although they were halting, but Duo understood. Heero was struggling to express himself somehow, and in this, Duo took the responsibility to guide him through it. Heero had, long ago, inexplicably expressed the desire to understand Duo and his humanity, and Duo had quite happily obliged, as best he could.
"So how did you know that place the other day was a lab?" he questioned, hoping to provide his companion with some sort of launching point and direction.
::It just... was.:: Heero finally moved from his position to a seat beside his charge so Duo wouldn't have to crane his neck in order to speak with him, and Duo waited patiently for an explanation. ::The debris. The air. The walls themselves spoke it.::
Duo raised an eyebrow, thinking that his cryptic companion must have been hearing something that he obviously had not.
Heero caught the skepticism. ::You're not going to let this rest, are you?::
"Nope."
Sigh. ::Why?::
"Why what?"
::Why do you need to know?::
"Heero," Duo began incredulously. "If you think that withholding information from me is some strange way of protecting me or something--"
::Let me rephrase. Why do you want to know?::
"Oh. Why, indeed...," he mused. He just... did. But that was no better than Heero's answer to his initial question, so he sought to elaborate. "This matter... obviously means something to you. A lot, for it to have affected you the way it has. So I guess I want to know because it'll tell me a little bit more about you."
::This is important?::
"Yes, it's important," he replied, exasperatedly. Sometimes it was difficult to deal with Heero's queries, although it was better than the moodiness of before. He seemed to question the most simple things in his effort to understand him.... "I guess it's because I want to understand you, and all the things that go into making you, you. Just like you want to understand me. I want to know you."
Heero looked at him silently, as if judging his motives. The boy rarely hesitated in answering his questions, in sharing something of himself, and Heero could certainly sympathize with this drive to understand. He sighed again in defeat as he tried to figure out where to start.
"While I was opening the portal, I saw you raise your hand over it, as if in blessing or something," Duo started for him. "Different from normal. And I thought I heard you say something. May have been my imagination, but I thought it was 'rest in peace'." He turned the statement into a question.
The brief nod of acknowledgment was immediately countered by an expectant look.
::I know what it's like to be trapped in a lab.::
That was an answer Duo didn't expect. He hadn't consciously realized it, but if the facility had been a lab, and the Shinma's signature was all over the place in prolonged doses, then it must have been there, in the lab. From Heero's words, it sounded as if it was being studied, which implied that he, too, had been studied. He opened his mouth to ask any of the dozens of questions that sprung up, but Heero beat him to it.
::I had a mother.::
Duo's mouth hung open as his eyebrows knitted together. "But... Shinma don't have mothers... right?"
Heero ignored the question as he continued, as if, now that he had plotted his story, he wasn't going to stop.
::I had a father, too, but he died before I was born. My mother was down on her luck, pregnant, and considered it amazing good fortune when an eccentric scientist offered her a job as a housekeeper.::
The answer slowly dawned on him. "Are you saying that... you're... human?"
::I started out that way.::
"You... wha...?"
::I started out that way,:: Heero repeated, his mindvoice flavored with just a dash of amusement at his charge's stupefied expression. It wasn't often that he could flummox him like that. Duo gave up his attempts to speak articulately and just made a vague, demanding noise and gesture. Heero complied.
::The scientist had, a number of years prior, discovered something that defied his well-ordered science. He met a demon, or a Shinma. Something not of the earthly realm. He wasn't aware of all the differences. But he set out to study them.::
Could this explain Heero's own compulsive need to categorize me? Duo wondered idly, little bits and pieces of past conversations, subtle hints and odd personality quirks suddenly coming back to him as he listened in speechless marvel and eager anticipation of being able to put it all together.
::So he studied them,:: he continued calmly. ::Collected samples and specimens, like the Shinma we returned today. That one obviously resented its captivity. Most likely, it was held there for a long time, and the researchers drained enough of its essence to affect it, or else they didn't allow it to feed and thus weakened it that way.::
Ah, so that would explain its odd behavior. "Are there a lot of amoral human scientists conducting otherworldly research?" Duo asked curiously.
Heero gave a small, elegant shrug.
"And just how do you extract a Shinma's essence? Or keep it captive?"
::There are ways....:: He stood suddenly, and turned to go back inside. ::I've given you much to think about, little one, and it has been a long day. You should sleep.::
"Yeah," he stifled a small yawn, "it has been a -- hey!" Duo's eyes widened in indignant outrage and he quickly got up and followed Heero inside. "As you keep insisting, I don't actually need to sleep."
Heero was arranging himself on what used to be a meditation pillow, until Duo decided that a meditation beanbag was more comfortable. ::I thought you liked clinging to your human ways.:: Another small shrug. ::As you will. You ought to rest, though.::
"But," Duo sputtered as he plopped himself down by Heero's knee. "You completely avoided the big main issue here!"
::Oh?::
"Oh? Oh!? You used to be human!"
::Oh. That.::
Duo resisted the urge to throttle his mentor with his lengthy braid. Heero's seemingly lightheartedness couldn't be right. He had been bothered by the entire situation just minutes before.
"You're trying to avoid telling me, aren't you?" he accused. "Heero...." He gazed at his companion with pleading eyes. "Tell me. Please."
Heero could not bring himself to avoid Duo's look. ::It's not a happy story, little one.::
"I know that. I can tell just by looking at you that it pains you to think about it. But not talking about it isn't going to make it go away. I promise you, I won't judge you, or hate you, or anything.... I want to help you. I want to understand you. That's all. Just let me in. Please?"
It would have been impossible for Heero to refuse the hopeful, compelling sincerity in those shining cobalt eyes. He capitulated.
::I....:: He shook his head. ::You will have to forgive me. This is not something I usually dwell upon.::
Duo nodded encouragingly. "Take your time."
He took it, picking his words slowly and carefully. ::The professor took my mother in because no one was likely to miss her. It was the perfect opportunity for the professor.::
"Perfect for what?"
::To obtain another specimen.::
"But she was human. What did he need her for?"
::Me. He wanted her for me. He wanted to see what a human-Shinma hybrid would be like, what the result of exposure to alien energy would be, so he took my mother and began infusing her unborn child with various energies he'd collected.::
Duo gasped softly. "Oh, Heero," he murmured, laying a gentle, supportive hand on Heero's knee. Heero seemed not to have heard, his mind now lost in the past as he continued his quiet, distant narration.
::It continued after my birth. Tests. Experiments. Always wanting to push the limits, he was. Wanted to see what great potential could be developed. He wanted to create a new, superior sort of man. He was fascinated by the interplay of human spirit and otherworldly power. He wondered which would win out in the end, and designed his trials to test the boundaries of both. He was a... demanding taskmaster.::
"But what about--"
::My mother... was too weak to do anything about it, and too human to let go. One day, she finally couldn't take it anymore and tried to stop the good doctor. She never had a chance. He killed her.::
Duo could do nothing but listen silently and offer his tacit support, eyes wide with horror. He had never had the faintest clue that his companion had had such a tragic, difficult past. It explained a lot, maybe. Maybe he despised weakness, or what he perceived as weakness, because his mother had been too weak to save him, or he too weak to save her. It might also be why he had seemed to know so much about Duo's troubled transition from being human to being Shinma. Perhaps it also explained his patience, if he had received none himself...?
That would mean that whatever patience he had would have to have been native to him, not taught to him at the harsh hands of a mad scientist. Duo thought about what sort of character Heero might have possessed had he not been a crazy man's pet experiment, if he had been raised by a mother who was loving enough to sacrifice herself, even futilely, for her son's sake, and he felt his ire rise and anger bubble for the person who might have been, who might still be buried deep within, but still he remained silent, spellbound by the terrifyingly captivating story.
::There was only so much a human could do to develop my potential, though, and he wanted to see it. So he captured another Shinma and 'forced' it to take me, to train me.::
Duo could take it no longer.
"What?!" he burst out with wild gesticulation. It broke Heero's monotone recitation and he snapped back to the present. "He just handed you over to the Shinma? Just to see what you could do?! That's... that's insane!"
::Yes,:: Heero agreed. ::He was quite insane.::
"Oooh, if I ever get my hands on that, that-- what's his name?" Duo demanded.
::Dr. J,:: he supplied.
"Thank you. That crazy Dr. J, I am going to skin him alive and roll his worthless flesh in a vat of salt!"
Heero blinked.
"I'm going to break every bone in his body! If he likes Shinma so much, I will toss him into the Dark myself --"
::Duo.::
"-- and watch gleefully as --
::Duo!::
"-- he becomes the prey of every -- what?!"
Heero blinked again. ::I appreciate the sentiment. No one's ever gotten so... righteously outraged for me before.::
Duo flashed him a winning grin. "Why certainly, Heero. Any time. Now where was I? Oh, yes--"
::Duo.::
"Stop interrupting me."
::Duo. Thank you. But I assure you, he's quite dead already.::
"Oh." He sounded strangely disappointed. "Are you sure?"
::Absolutely. I killed him myself.::
"Oh." Thwarted of the opportunity to do damage to the fiend himself, he eagerly inquired as to the details of his death. "When?"
::The deal was that the Shinma would return me when they were through 'expanding my potential'. Of course, the Shinma were delighted when a new toy fell into their hands, one which they could forge into a weapon of their own devices, with advantages granted by just a modicum of human ingenuity, the combined abilities of whatever the professor decided to throw into the mix, and an aura their enemies would never think to look for, so they were happy to oblige. At the end of the first year, I was returned to the professor with the orders for my first mission. To eliminate the presumptuous human who had dared to command the Shinma.::
"Ha! That old bastard got what he deserved." Duo crossed his arms smugly.
::You didn't even know the man, little one,:: Heero chided.
"I don't need to," he retorted. "Just look at you." Duo climbed into Heero's lap and ran his fingers lightly through his companion's dark, tousled tresses as he pouted. "He deserves to die ten times over, and then rot for twice all eternity in the lowest pits of the most demon-infested hell for what he did to you."
::Well, I'm sorry to tell you I gave him a quick death,:: Heero apologized wryly.
"What? Why? Surely you didn't pity him?"
He shook his head in negation. ::Of course not. But I was trained to do my job skillfully and efficiently. Many Shinma are ruled by their impulses, so I excelled where they failed with my human reason.::
"You don't feel angry or vengeful or anything?" Duo pressed.
::They encouraged my human logic skills. Emotions were undesirable. They were a weakness, both before and after the Shinma. Though I have since questioned that assumption since meeting you. And luckily, though they taught me to be Shinma, I suffered little in the way of wild Shinma impulses.::
"'Til you met me, right?" He smirked.
::Hmm?::
"Well, no logic could have told you to taste me that night, right?"
Heero looked away, refusing to answer.
Duo chuckled at what he interpreted as mild embarrassment. "Poor Heero. I must be a bad influence."
::You were almost like me, you know.::
"Hmm? How so?"
::When the Eastern Shinma came to take you, that night. They wanted to use you, as they used me.:: His thoughts had a quiet, pensive air about them.
Duo digested the information quietly for a moment, seriously considering how different life would be if they had succeeded in taking him and molding him to their will. He shuddered lightly before snuggling a little more comfortably in Heero's lap, laying his head on his breast and listening with sudden appreciation of the heartbeat he never realized he was hearing beneath his ear.
"Now that is a great, wonderfully human sound to hear. Well, that settles it."
:: ? ::
"They taught you to be Shinma. I'm gonna teach you to be human. I was kinda thinking that before, just for fun, but now, I have good reason to pursue it seriously. You're no more Shinma than I am, so you should be no less human that I am."
::There's something lacking in your logic there, little one,:: he tried to point out.
"Hey, why understand through me when you can understand it firsthand yourself? Besides, I don't like the Shinma even more, now that I know how they used you. If you're not going to be bothered by it, I am. I am going to find the real you buried under all the layers of other stuff those big bullies piled on you and I am going to drag it out kicking and screaming if I have to."
Blink. Blink blink. That didn't sound very good. ::Duo...::
"Now hush up. I'm going to get some sleep." He paused. "You should get some sleep, too."
*****
Hey, Heero can talk a lot when he's got something to say. Remember that big long speech he gave at the school? So there. *pbfft*
And if we had little but lighthearted banter at the end, in contrast to the rest, then we claim a mood-swingy Duo and a charmingly confused and confusedly charmed Heero, who has been... influenced somewhat by his time with the braided one. Now I'm glad this isn't animated. It'd be odd seeing Duo gaze searchingly at a mask, but he barely even sees it anymore -- only when it gets in his way.
TBC...
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