Author's Note: Okay--there was a request for Heero to break down and stop calling Quatre "counselor" or Winner--so here ya go, Twilight! And the closing line to the chapter was provided by Kaeru Shisho and modified a teensy bit by me. If you wanna cry while you read this, put on Jackson Browne's song: For a Dancer.
Witness Protection Part 67
Goodbyes
At my mention of family, I noticed Trowa's gaze went straight to the front of the room, searching for Quatre in the mash of people.
I caught a glimpse of his shining blonde hair, as he slipped between bodies, heading in our direction. "He's coming," I assured the dancer, knowing he'd understand whom I was referring to. "Let's get out into the hallway and we can regroup there."
Even as Trowa and I started fighting our way through the crowd towards the door, the paramedics came shoving in from the corridor--jostling us as they passed.
"Shit--guy's a mess!" one of them swore, upon seeing Khushrenada sprawled there on the floor, with his lawyers clustered around and bailiffs desperately trying to get a response from him.
"No fuckin' way," muttered another uniformed medic. "May as well have the coroner meet us at the hospital. You ain't gonna revive this one, Ralph."
"Dead at the scene," a third one sighed.
I glanced back one last time, noticing Quatre was practically right behind me, and then followed Trowa out the door, only to have Wufei nearly run us all down, as he was pushing through the crowd with Catherine in tow.
"Jesus, Yuy!" he gasped out, grabbing me by both shoulders and then pulling me into a brief, startling hug. "We were going through security when we heard there'd been a shooting in the courthouse! I thought maybe Khushrenada had someone try to silence you for good!"
I pushed him back, mustering a weak smile. "Not me, Chang. Khushrenada's the one that got silenced. By Relena Darlian."
He actually staggered back in shock, and might have fallen, if Catherine hadn't been there to brace him. "Re--Relena?" he gasped. "I don't believe it!"
"Believe it," Quatre spoke up, his face grave. "Five shots--dead center." His aquamarine eyes were wide, giving him a look of almost childlike wonder. "She wasn't taking any chances, was she?"
"She was afraid he'd spill the beans about her father being married to Zechs Merquise's mother."
Quatre frowned in confusion. "Was that supposed to be a secret?"
"You knew?"
"Mister Noventa told me, while we were working on the case together. We got talking about the information leaks, and he told me what you'd shared with him."
"What a fuckin' waste," I muttered. "If Relena knew how many people already had that knowledge, she'd have realized there was no need to kill Khushrenada for it."
"Hey--you wanted him dead!" Trowa pointed out.
Wufei snorted. "That surprises you? After all the bastard's done?"
"No--Yuy was serious about it. About doing it himself."
"What do you mean--?" Chang began.
I caught my partner's arm, and nodded to the others. "Can we take this outside, please? Before someone decides to detain us as witnesses?"
"What's wrong with that?" Winner asked. "We did witness the attack on Khushrenada."
"Yes--but I planned a trip for as soon as the verdict was in--and I'd like to start it sometime this century," I quipped, pushing Catherine gently in the direction of the exit. "And by the way, Chang--Catherine. Are you both sure you're okay?"
"We're fine," he assured me, stepping up to take Catherine's arm in a possessive grip, as she smiled and nodded brightly.
"We really are," she insisted.
I ended up sort of sandwiched between Chang and Catherine in front, and Barton and Winner behind. But we made our way out of the tumultuous courthouse via the employee entrance and headed for the parking lot, and some privacy.
There was a grassy area off to one side, with picnic tables for judicial system staff members who wanted to eat lunch there, and we gathered around one of those.
Chang immediately turned a searching gaze on me; I should have known he wouldn't let go of his earlier question. "What did Barton mean about you being serious about wanting Khushrenada dead? What happened?"
"Just before we went into the courtroom, he got a call on his cell, saying your accident wasn't one," Trowa blurted, ignoring my glare. "He went off the fuckin' deep end!"
I sighed, and explained to Wufei what the caller had said and threatened to do, and his face darkened to match mine. "If I catch the dishonorable cur--!" He pulled Catherine up against him in a protective gesture. But then his glance fell on the gun in my shoulder holster, and then darted towards Trowa and then back to my face.
And somehow he read all that I'd intended in my troubled gaze, and his face paled slightly. He opened and closed his mouth, and then drew a deep breath. "I'm glad Relena beat you to it."
I smirked darkly. "No, Chang, she didn't. If they'd acquitted him--" I let my sentence trail off, having enough presence of mind not to say anything more incriminating than I already had. Considering there were a lawyer, a cop, and two witnesses standing with me, it would have been pretty damned stupid.
"Shit," Chang breathed quietly.
Once again a long moment passed, as he apparently ran the scenario in his head, not liking how it played out.
Winner rose to the occasion, sort of edging between me and my partner, and draping an arm around both our shoulders. "It's over, gentlemen," he said quietly. "There's no point in playing the 'what-if' game."
"Yeah," Trowa threw in. "Just be glad it was the crazy bitch who pulled the trigger."
"I never would have pegged her as nuts," I muttered, shaking my head.
Chang raised an eyebrow speculatively. "Well, how stable can a woman be who keeps gravitating towards gay men, hm?"
He startled a reluctant chuckle out of me, easing some of the tension.
But Trowa brought it right back again. "So what'll we do about the fucker who called your cell, Yuy?"
Quatre spoke up again, his expression pensive. "I'd wager that with Khushrenada dead, whoever made those threats will disappear into the woodwork."
"Not if I can help it," Wufei growled. "I will pull Yuy's cell phone records and track down wherever the bastard called from. I will find him. No one harms Catherine on my watch!"
She wrapped her arms around his waist. "You are so sexy when you get protective," she cooed.
He blushed, squirming a bit. "Do you have to do that?" he said plaintively. "You spoil the effect, you know."
"Save it for the bad guys," she teased. "We're among friends."
"Do you really think the people who trashed Yuy's apartment will back off?" Trowa asked a bit anxiously of his lover. "I mean, they didn't find the disks--and I'm sure there are people besides Khushrenada who want that information kept quiet."
Quatre shook his head. "Don't worry about them. Once word of what's on those disks hits the news, they'll know it's too late to keep a lid on it."
"But in the meantime--"
"I think Khushrenada's death will cause his thugs to hold back and await instructions from his successor. And I expect Agent Alexander to act long before one is appointed by the syndicate."
"But--Alexander wasn't in court today," I pointed out.
"Perhaps he's busy marshaling his forces to move against Oz."
"I don't think so," I mused. "He got some kind of urgent call yesterday, and my guess would be that he had problems within his own agency."
"Well then, he'll probably solve them and jump right into the battle with Oz. From what you told me, he's very keen to take them down."
I couldn't help smirking as I pictured Alexander's face when he heard the news about Khushrenada. He was gonna be pissed.
I might have felt a bit cheated myself--disappointed that the crime lord got off so easily. But then, knowing how far his tendrils of power reached, I realized there was no safe way to contain him. He'd strike from behind any walls and any bars. The only place that could isolate him from his minions was Hell itself--and I felt a moment of imaginary concern that he might take over down there.
"What the fuck are you smiling about, Yuy?" demanded my partner.
"Just thinking about Khushrenada, and remembering that saying 'Heaven doesn't want me and Hell's afraid I'll take over.'"
"Look at it this way," Winner pointed out. "Merquise got there first. He's got seniority."
"They have seniority in Hell?" Barton wondered, starting to look a bit amused at the subject.
"Of course," Quatre insisted. "Didn't you ever read your Old Testament? There's a hierarchy and everything!"
"I thought you were Muslim," came the dry response.
"That does not preclude my reading the Bible-- And just because I was raised that way, doesn't mean I practice the religion."
"Obviously not--or you wouldn't be with me--"
"Is there such a thing as a religious lawyer?" Catherine mused.
"Are you kidding?" Quatre shot back. "Do you know how much praying goes on in courtrooms?"
"I thought that was schools," Trowa piped up. "Y'know--'as long as there are exams, there'll be prayer in schools'?"
I looked helplessly at Chang, wondering how we'd gotten onto such a tangent, and we got up and began walking towards my car, the others tagging along a moment later.
"You know," Wufei said conversationally. "I think that what Merquise did for Duo might have at least earned him a ticket out of Hell, don't you?"
I gaped at my partner. "Since when are you willing to think of Zechs Merquise as anything other than the Devil incarnate?"
"Since he wrote such a mushy, romantic letter to Duo--" came the teasing, half-serious response.
"Which Duo would've shoved down his throat," Trowa pointed out. "He hated that stuff. When Zechs called him 'Angel,' he just about ripped him a new asshole--told him 'Demon' was a much better name for him--and more masculine, too."
"You knew about the 'Angel' thing?" I asked in surprise.
"Only what Duo told me, when he'd bitch about it." He gave a slight shrug. "Of course, even when he was grumbling about the 'girly nickname' Zechs had for him, I could tell he kinda liked it at the same time. I think his bad boy image was mostly for show."
"I know it was," I said firmly. "Not that he wasn't tough--because he was. He was very, very tough. But all you had to do was look at his drawings to know he had a gentle soul."
"Oh, he'd so kick your ass for saying it that way," Trowa chuckled. There was a trace of genuine mirth in the green eyes, and I caught a grateful look from Quatre as we reached my car.
"So--anyone up for lunch?" asked the lawyer.
I shook my head. "Take a rain check? I'd like to leave town before Captain Po wants me for a statement. I'm officially on vacation, you know."
"I thought it was still sick leave," countered my partner.
"I don't feel sick," I shrugged.
He gave a smile. "That's good to hear."
Quatre tried--I had to give him credit. He fixed those big blue eyes on me in a pleading stare, and tried to guilt me into joining them. But I pointed out that any delay was liable to give my boss a chance to change her mind and keep me around, when I really needed to be far away.
Besides, if someone on Khushrenada's payroll was still after me, I'd be safer traveling than I would hanging around town. I did experience a moment of concern for my friends, wondering if the man who had threatened them would truly back off. But at the very least, my leaving should draw him away from them.
And honestly, Chang was perfectly capable of protecting himself and Catherine, with or without my help.
As for Winner--he had a veritable army of personal staff--plus the streetwise stripper to watch his back. I thought they'd be okay. The tough part was convincing them that I would, too.
I managed it by pointing out that I could spot a tail a mile back, and that the places I was heading were not my usual haunts--so no one would be able to predict my moves. Plus, I'd already promised Chang to check in regularly, which would enable him to alert me if anything changed and he became aware of a new threat.
After that things got mushy to a point that would no doubt have nauseated Duo. Catherine gave me a hug and whispered her thanks for bringing the "Oriental Adonis" into her life. Winner did the same, but with the message that if I ever needed anything, any time, I was to call him.
I pulled back and raised a skeptical eyebrow. "Me? Call a lawyer?"
"No," he said in all seriousness. "You'd be calling a friend."
Though my breath caught at his warm tone, I managed a cocky smirk. "Yeah, Quat, I guess I would."
It was his turn to look startled at my use of not just his first name, but the nickname Duo had favored, and then he threw his arms around me again, squeezing hard. "You damn well better stay safe out there!"
Barton was next, giving a shake of his head and a wry smile at his lover's enthusiasm. With his typical low-key nature, he merely shook my hand, gave me back my car keys, and told me the Reapers jacket was a good look for me. He and I had shared all our confidences earlier in the day, when we were truly alone.
Chang then shocked me by giving me a second hug within the same half-hour as the first, and he reminded me of my promise to call him. He also assured me he'd take care of my apartment. Knowing that the intruder was the same one who'd run him off the road gave him added incentive to find clues amid the wreckage. And he said that once the investigation team had sifted through it with a fine-tooth comb, he'd handle the cleanup and insurance claim for me.
He was a true friend, and he'd been there all the time--hiding under a crusty, uptight exterior--like me.
I climbed in the car and gave a jaunty wave, then pulled out of the parking lot and navigated my way through the news vans and emergency vehicles ringing the block, until I found open road ahead of me.
And then I flicked on the cd player, since I knew all the radio stations would be broadcasting the fiasco at the courthouse, slipped in whatever cd was closest at hand, and sat back to enjoy the ride.
~*~
I started out on the highway, taking the opportunity to put some distance behind me. But once the unrelenting grey of skyscrapers and civilization gave way to green hills, I exited the interstate and switched to a pleasant country road.
It was easier to watch for a tail on a road with hardly any cars.
Of course, Odin hadn't raised any fools--so when I stopped at a roadside diner for a bite to eat, I took a few minutes to run my surveillance scan tool over the car. I knew all too well the kind of technology Khushrenada's people had, and that all it took was a small tracking device to keep tabs on someone's whereabouts.
The car was free of any "unauthorized equipment" as I'd expected it to be. Between having it at the mechanic's the previous day, and then pretty much moving my apartment contents into it, there'd been little opportunity for anyone to get near.
The parking lot at the courthouse was monitored by security--so if anyone had tried anything there, they'd have been apprehended.
But paranoia dies hard--and the boy scout motto even harder. I was always prepared.
For everything except Duo.
He'd taken me completely by surprise--sweeping me off my feet in a way no one ever had--and showing me how colorful life could really be. It was sort of like one of those movies that started in black and white, and then suddenly switched to color when the main character fell through a portal.
I wondered how those characters tolerated the transition back to black and white, after they'd experienced color--movies didn't seem to cover that part.
But even without Duo, my life was never going to be simple black and white again. He'd shown me a new way to live, and I was going to implement it--as soon as I got a good night's sleep.
Having been up packing all night, and then rushing to the courthouse, I was a bit sleep-deprived; and it caught up to me as soon as I'd eaten a substantial meal. So I found a small hotel, checked in a bit early, took my box of ashes inside, and then fell face down on the bed and was asleep almost instantly.
I woke to watery pre-dawn sunshine, and pushed up from the mattress, realizing I'd slept through the evening and night without interruption.
"Jesus," I muttered, rolling over and sitting up. "Slept like the dead."
Speaking of which...
I turned on the television as I headed out to the car for the change of clothes I hadn't even bothered to bring in the previous afternoon. And when I came back inside, the anchorwoman was predictably babbling on about the "Khushrenada slaying."
//...and in a startling development after the guilty verdict was announced, Relena Darlian, the daughter of Police Chief Darlian, shot and killed Mister Khushrenada...//
Ah. So he was dead. I'd been fairly sure of it from the number of shots fired, where they'd struck, and the talk from the paramedics. But it was still nice to hear.
//...aren't telling us why she did it, or what she said to the officer who apprehended her immediately after the attack...//
Oh. That would be me.
I sat on the edge of the bed, chewing on a protein bar and sipping a bottle of water, unable to tear myself away. Would Captain Po be calling me back, considering I'd been the one to hear Relena's excuse? But then, she had my cell number, and she hadn't called--so either Chang filled her in, or Chief Darlian repeated what I'd told him.
//...second slaying at the courthouse in a matter of weeks...//
An image of Duo flashed onto the screen--one of the less racy publicity shots from The Jungle.
//...was brutally murdered while in the midst of testifying against Treize Khushrenada. Ms. Une, Khushrenada's assistant, was taken into custody and is still being held without bond in the mental ward of an undisclosed federal prison.
In related news, the FBI today raided the headquarters of the Romefeller Foundation, seizing financial records, interoffice communications, and international trade documents. Acting on an anonymous tip, Chief Field Agent Alexander obtained disks left in a safety deposit box in the late Zechs Merquise's name. Information on those disks led to today's pre-dawn search of the international trade giant's facilities, and the subsequent arrests of top officials in that company...//
And Treize wasn't here to see it. How--not sad!
It looked like Alexander had been promoted, too, ambitious ass that he was. He could have it. Let Oz get pissed at him, instead of me.
I found myself grinning as I downed the last bite of my snack. It was over--truly over. Oz was finished--crushed--broken. There were not enough adjectives to describe how well and truly fucked they were, but I knew Duo could've thrown in a few.
"Yeah, we did it," I sighed, throwing myself back onto the bed and looking over at the velvet-wrapped box.
What I wouldn't have given to be looking at my lover instead, seeing him without the haunted look in his eyes that constant running and hiding had evoked. He deserved to enjoy the sweet taste of victory and the absence of fear.
Before I let myself slip into self-pity and regret, I shoved up off the bed and headed for the shower, knowing it would relax me and make me feel a lot better about everything.
It did, and by mid-morning I'd packed up the few things I brought into the hotel room, checked out, and gotten back on the road.
When I flipped out my cell phone to call Chang, however, I was met with a cracked screen and a spreading of black across the surface.
Well, shit--I must have broken it when I tackled Relena. And judging from the lack of even a dial tone when I tried dialing without using the display, there was internal damage as well. There'd be no calling in until I found a pay phone or a cellular distributor along the road.
Ever wondered whether there are wireless stores along country byways? There aren't.
I pulled into the next service station I passed, and jogged into the convenience store attached to it.
God spare me from clueless store clerks. I had an immediate flashback to the girl who'd been almost too busy flirting with her boyfriend, and me, to point me in the direction of the clubbing district the night Duo ran away from the log cabin.
This girl was chewing gum loudly, and popping it at regular intervals, staring at the television screen in the corner of the booth. "C'n I help you?"
"Do you have a pay phone?"
She looked up, and I noticed a piercing in one eyebrow, a shiny silver ring looping over it. "Used to--but they took it out a couple years ago."
"Do you know where there is a pay phone?" I sighed.
"'Round here?" She shook her head. "Couldn't tell ya. You should get a cell." Her gaze drifted back to the news program, which was still focused exclusively on the Khushrenada murder. And when Duo's picture was shown again, she smiled widely. "That guy is so hot!"
No shit.
"I'd sleep with him any day--"
"He's gay," I said curtly, eager to crush her dream.
She looked sharply at me. "No way!"
I fixed her with a cold gaze that I'd been told was downright intimidating. "Do you not listen to what they're saying in the broadcast? He was Zechs Merquise's boyfriend."
"Oh." Her eyes went kind of round and she looked back at the screen for a second. "Who's Zechs Merquise?"
"He was a crime--" I cut myself off sharply, realizing at this rate I could be there all day. "He's dead," I said flatly. "So's the hot guy. Have a nice day."
I turned and stalked out, so perturbed by the drooling fan-girl that I didn't even bother to top off the tank. I had plenty of gas to make it to the next station, and I didn't want to contribute a red cent to the silly girl's paycheck.
About a mile down the road I burst out laughing and couldn't stop. Man, Duo would've had a field day with me over this. He'd have loved the instant jealousy that the girl's innocent comment brought on, and he'd have cracked up over my responses to her inane questions.
I finally had to pull over and wipe tears of hilarity out of my eyes so that I could drive again.
Then I resumed my search for a pay phone, eventually finding one in the foyer of a small diner where I stopped for lunch.
I'd all but given up by that time, thinking I might have to seek out a larger city in order to buy a new phone. But when I stopped at a mom and pop restaurant, I was pleasantly surprised.
I fished in a pocket for a handful of change, and fed enough into the phone to make the call.
To Chang's voice mail.
I sighed as I heard the recording, and waited for the beep. "Chang, you twit--pick up!" There was no response, so I continued on after a second or two. "My cell phone got busted--probably when I tackled Relena. So if you don't hear from me, it's because there are no fuckin' pay phones in existence any more--except apparently this one. Anyhow, I saw the news, and I'm going to assume it means we're off the hook. I'll still be cautious, in case any of Khushrenada's former thugs aren't smart enough to figure out their meal ticket ended with his death. But if they want anyone dead, it should be Alexander, since he took the credit and the glory." I chuckled quietly. "If you see him, tell him thanks."
I hung up, still smiling. I was glad Alexander had led the campaign against Romefeller and Oz. Whether or not it was deliberate on his part, to help hide my involvement, I appreciated the anonymity. And I was sure my friends did, too.
When I resumed my journey after a hearty lunch, I felt like I could drive forever. I'd taken along a coffee to go, and I replaced my quiet jazz cd with one from Duo's collection, only to find myself listening to something acoustic.
I scowled at the player. Since when did Duo enjoy acoustic music? I pawed through the scattered disks on the front seat and realized there was a pretty eclectic mix there, in spite of his hard rock image.
Once again I was amazed by his--diversity.
I came to a fork in the road, where I could choose either the inland route, or the more winding coastal one, and of course I elected the latter. I had all the time in the world to get to Euphoria. And frankly, the thought of parting with those ashes was a bit daunting.
But Trowa's reminder that throwing them into the ocean wouldn't get Duo out of my system was strangely reassuring, and kept me from turning the car around and fleeing back to the city and back to my apartment to hole up with the velvet-wrapped box forever.
It didn't, however, keep me from taking the scenic route. I stopped at a park by the ocean, with the word "moose" in the name--Moose Point, or Moosehead Park, or Moose-something--the point was I couldn't see "moose" and not think of Duo. So I doubled back a bit, bought a takeout dinner, and drove to the oceanside park to sit at a rickety picnic table and enjoy the meal and the view.
Then I found a motel located right on the water, and checked in early enough that I could take a long walk on the beach, picking up seashells as I went, and thinking about moments I'd had with Duo.
It was interesting--how each shell was a bit different--no two worn in exactly the same places, or with exactly the same color pattern. Each one was shaped by its environment and the waves and currents that had brought it there to be deposited on the shore. And each one was fucking beautiful--even the broken one whose edges had been polished smooth by the pounding waves, the outer layer worn away to show a pearly, translucent interior.
And how the fuck did I translate that into the way Duo found my hidden interior?
He did. I could admit that now. Hell, I'd admitted it quite a while ago. He'd found parts of me I hadn't known existed. But I recognized them now--after the fact.
What the fuck is it about love that makes you look inside yourself as much as at the person you love?
And when did my priorities change so much?
I walked back to my room with my pockets bulging, wondering if I could find someone able to make something out of the treasures I'd collected. I'd seen leaves coated in metal made into jewelry--so maybe I could have one of the gleaming white scallop shells hung on a silver chain for Chang to give to Catherine. Or perhaps someone could stick some into a block of plastic as a paperweight--the way they did with insects. I'd always thought those were kind of ugly and stupid. But the shells were different.
They were beautiful. And they made me think of Duo, which was a mixed blessing, but a blessing nonetheless.
~*~
It took me four days to reach Euphoria. As I'd said before, I was a bit reluctant to actually lay Duo to rest--afraid that somehow I'd lose the feeling that he was still with me in spirit. It may have been an inanimate box of ashes, but it was the only tangible link I had to the man I'd given my heart to.
"Suck it up, Yuy," I muttered, driving down the familiar street into the small town.
Not much had changed since I was there last.
Okay, nothing had changed. The little fishing village seemed suspended in time--looking as weathered and rustic as ever. And it made my stomach lurch miserably to think Duo would never get to see it again.
I parked near the boardwalk where Duo and I had started our trek back to the cottage those few weeks ago, and I got out and stretched languidly, listening to the steady swish of the waves rolling up on the town beach.
There were some kids playing with a beach ball, and a few adults scattered about on the sand, enjoying the warm afternoon sunshine, as seagulls wheeled lazily on the steady sea breeze. You could've taken a picture and stuck in on a postcard as the stereotypical day at the beach.
But there was nothing stereotypical about my purpose in being there. And I had to force myself to take the box of ashes out of the velvet pouch and tuck it inside my jacket. Faced with an imminent farewell to my lover's remains, I felt a sudden surge of panic.
I couldn't do it! It would make it too final--make it feel like I was really letting go.
And then I watched a gust of wind catch the beach ball and blow it far enough out into the surf that the children couldn't follow--but one of their parents saved the day by swimming out to retrieve it, throwing it back to their waiting arms.
Okay. You didn't have to hit me in the face with a metaphor. I'd come here to return Duo to Euphoria permanently, and I was going to see it through, trusting that letting go would only be temporary.
I stepped out onto the boardwalk, and set a brisk pace up to the cliff trail, trying not to dwell on the pain, but on the good memories.
Duo tugging me along the path, pointing out the shimmering waves and the way the spray flew up into the air when they crashed on the rocks...the sun on his skin, the wind teasing at his hair...the concern on his face when I'd had to rest...
"Marry me."
"I love you."
I'd promised him forever, and he'd promised me the same. I could only hope there was some kind of afterlife where we'd have a chance to keep our promises.
When I reached the rock where I'd rested halfway up the trail, I sat there again, watching the same view I'd shared with Duo, and gradually screwing up my courage until finally I made myself open the box, walk to the edge of the cliff, and scatter the ashes into the salty breeze.
I half-opened my mouth to say goodbye, and then just clamped it shut and swallowed hard to fight back the stinging tears. It hurt more than I'd thought, watching the particles of ash just pour down towards the ocean. And then they were gone, and I felt like a vast emptiness was waiting to swallow me if I stepped away from that spot.
I'd actually left Duo there. And I suddenly felt stupid for having done it. I should have had the ashes buried at a local cemetery in the city--closer to where I lived, and where Duo had lived. I could have put up a nice head stone that Father Maxwell could have blessed, and Sister Helen could have laid flowers on.
I could have visited on weekends and kept the illusion alive a little longer; the illusion that Duo was still here with me--somehow--that a part of him was always going to be with me.
Instead, I was going to have to walk away and leave him.
I pulled the jacket closer around me, shivering a little in the brisk wind that swept up from the ocean. But I felt as cold inside as outside.
"I can't do it," I groaned, sitting back down on the rock. "I can't say goodbye. I just suck at this." I closed my eyes, pressing the heels of my hands against them. "You were supposed to be the survivor Duo--the one who made it through everything. You survived living on the streets, running with a gang--you outlived the whole fucking gang. So why couldn't you have outlived me?"
In a fit of anger--or just plain frustration--I stood up and flung the box after the ashes; and it was only my promise to Chang that kept me from throwing myself along as well.
I'd thought I was past the worst--thought I was dealing with my loss. But suddenly, I felt like a recovering alcoholic or drug addict discovering that the craving just never, never goes away. And if Duo was my addiction, I'd have given anything for one more fix.
Why had I thought it was okay to come here alone?
I backed away from the ledge, and turned my steps back down towards the beach, knowing it was sheer folly to stand there any longer and dwell on the fact that I'd feel the pain as deeply a year from now as I did at that very moment.
Sucked to be me.
When I got back to the car, I slid into the driver's seat and started it up at once, no longer able to stand the irony of being in a town named Euphoria when I was so damned far from it. I'd found euphoria in Duo's arms--and without them, the name of the town mocked me. I suddenly wanted out of there in a big hurry.
What I really needed was a dirt town named Desolation, a seedy bar, and a slug of tequila--but as I headed for the highway, I thought I could settle for two out of three.
TBC...
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