Heero's POV
The Wedding Planner Part 43
Guilt
After the tenth time I tried Duo's number, I figured he wasn't going to talk to me that night. I wasn't sure he'd ever talk to me again, come to think of it. And that hurt so badly, it made me feel like I was gasping for breath against a heavy, crushing weight.
I'd screwed up, and I had no idea how to fix the mess I'd made.
I should have talked to Duo--told him I was attracted to him--instead of just stealing a brief taste of Heaven. But none of my thoughts were clear enough for me to express them verbally. And I'd needed to touch him so much that it overrode my conscience and my common sense.
I was still sitting on the hood of my car, staring aimlessly out at the darkening ocean an hour after he'd bolted.
Fuck! What if he'd had a car accident? What if that precipitous kiss had upset him so much he made some stupid mistake and got hurt? What if he'd done something drastic on purpose?
I mean, shit. I knew how fragile his emotions were. I knew his history. I'd tried so hard to protect him from Milliardo, when in reality, I was the one he needed protection from.
"He'll get over it," came a knowing voice.
I looked up as Howard walked over, settling against the bumper and staring out at the same dark landscape I was looking at. Great--the old ice cream vendor had seen my colossal blunder--and Duo's reaction to it.
"You know that how?" I asked a bit snidely.
"I've known the kid for years," replied the whiskered man. "Y'see, I came from L2 just like him and Solo." He scratched his cheek, looking pensive. "Duo's a survivor. No matter what kind of curves life throws at him, he hangs on tooth and nail until he makes it through."
I shook my head. "Life didn't throw him a curve; I did."
"You like him?"
I resisted the impulse to be sarcastic. "Yeah, I do. Maybe a lot."
"Good. He likes you, too."
"Again, you know this how?"
"I've watched him with you...the way he looks at you...the way he acts." Howard smiled rather wearily. "Haven't seen him act like that with anyone since Solo and Alex."
"I'm engaged," I said quickly, and unnecessarily. Duo had introduced me to Howard as a client. He knew I was engaged.
Howard didn't seem especially impressed by my statement. "Thought you were straight, did you?"
My jaw dropped, and then I caught hold of myself. "I--guess I did."
"And now?"
"Now?"
"You kissed him. How was it?"
I tried to tell that nosey old man to go mind his own business; but for some reason, his line of questioning was non-threatening, and I found myself answering. "Perfect," I sighed, glaring down at the ground.
"So?"
"So?" I echoed--puzzled.
"You still think you're straight?"
I almost managed a wan smile at that. "Not really. No."
"What're you gonna do?" he asked in a completely conversational tone, as if we'd known each other for years, rather than met twice in a very cursory way.
"I have no idea," I confessed. "He won't even answer his phone."
Howard chuckled. "That's Duo all right! You ruffle the kid's feathers, and he runs and hides. But eventually, he'll come back around."
"What am I supposed to do? Wait until he shows up?"
"Or you could try to run him to ground," Howard suggested, as if he were talking about a fox being chased by a pack of dogs. I didn't like that analogy.
"I'm not going to chase him," I said curtly. "And I don't think forcing him into a corner is the way to go, either."
"You may have to," came the enigmatic reply. "He's a little high-strung these days. Y'know, once bit...twice shy. He's looking for something like he had with Solo and Alex; but frankly, he's probably afraid to find it. I think he kind of considers himself bad luck for his significant others...after losing two."
"I'm not-- I can't--" I shook my head in frustration. "I don't even know what I can offer him, Howard. I'm not really--free--to pursue him."
That didn't seem to faze the old man either. "But you want to, don't you?"
"Huh?" I blinked at the frank, almost pleading question. "I--yes."
"Well then, I think you should."
"Doesn't it bother you that I have a fiancée?"
"You can remedy that," he said with a shrug. He gave me a very direct look, as if he were reading my intentions--looking into my character, or my soul. "Duo likes you a lot. I could tell by the way he acted around you, and looked at you, and responded to you. You must have seen it, too."
"I thought I did--but--he didn't give me a chance to explain--to talk to him. Not after I fucked everything up by kissing him."
"Like I said, he'll be back." The old man smiled slightly. "He won't be able to help himself."
I managed a weak smile in return. "Addicted to your sundaes, is he?"
He chuckled, and I felt myself relax a little in his reassuring presence. "He's addicted to a lot of things...my sundaes, the ocean, that goddamned beach house. He always ends up back here eventually. It's where he comes to think things through--to recharge, when life gets overwhelming."
I nodded. "Much as I wish I could sit here until he does, I suppose I should go home and get my own act together."
"You do that," Howard suggested. "And when you get yourself free to pursue him, don't let him scare you off. He needs someone in his life."
But surely not someone like me. He deserves someone better...someone more secure in their sexuality...someone who has no obligations...who can give him the complete devotion he deserves.
"I'm not good enough for him," I said flatly, daring Howard to disagree.
But he merely smiled indulgently. "Well that's a good attitude to start with. Now you've just gotta figure out how to convince yourself you are...and then convince him." His eyes crinkled at the corners. "And as for that last bit? I think it's already taken care of."
So--what? I was supposed to do whatever it took to make myself feel worthy of Duo? And was Howard implying Duo already believed I was? It sure seemed that way.
"I'm going to head home," I sighed wearily, the day's activities finally catching up with me. "I have to work in the morning. And maybe by the time I get out, Duo will be willing to let me apologize at least."
"You seem like a decent guy," Howard said with a hint of approval. "I'm sure you'll make things right with the kid." He winked saucily as he pushed away from the bumper he'd been half-sitting on. "Watch for those pictures...should only take a few days."
I smiled in spite of the gravity of my situation. "I'll be looking forward to them...especially the one where he was all over me."
"That'll be a keeper," agreed the old man, sauntering towards his ice cream booth, as I got up to get in my car. "Kind of like Duo," he called back over his shoulder.
When my cell phone rang, I yanked it quickly from my pocket, hoping it would be Duo calling. But I saw Relena's number on the screen, and I grimaced.
I finally decided to answer it, figuring it was a sort of penance for breaking Duo's trust the way I had. I deserved every bit of guilt and remorse that a conversation with Relena was sure to evoke.
"Yuy here."
"Heero, it's me. I got back from the Embassy a little while ago." She sounded inappropriately perky, considering how we'd parted company that morning.
I couldn't help myself. "How's Geoffrey?"
There was an exasperated sigh on the other end of the phone. "I barely saw him, Heero. And your jealousy is completely unfounded."
"There's something of a precedent," I reminded her. "Look, Relena, I'm kind of tired. It's been a long day. Did you call for a particular reason?"
"I thought you might like some supper, and maybe to stay here tonight since I'm going to be gone for several days." Her tone was conciliatory--even a bit flirtatious. "We could have some--private--time together."
"I'm not driving that far tonight," I said firmly. "I told you, I'm tired."
"Well why on Earth would you be tired?" she asked a bit huffily. "You had the day off."
"Don't remind me," I growled irritably. "But since you blew off my plans, I went ahead and made others. I went sailing."
"You went to the yacht club?"
"No, I went with a--friend. In a small boat." And it was one of the most enjoyable days I could recall ever having.
"Whatever for?" Relena asked blankly. "Heero, we have a perfectly good membership at the club. You could have cruised with the Winchesters or VanBurens; I'm sure Winifred would've been delighted to see you."
I was swiftly losing patience as Relena chattered on as though things were fine between us. "That's beside the point. I went sailing, and I'm a bit tired now. So I'm going back to my penthouse to get some sleep, and I've got work first thing in the morning."
"Don't you want to have a last night with me before my trip?" she asked with a wounded tone to her voice.
A whole litany of possible answers ran through my head. No, I'd rather throw myself at Duo's feet until he forgives me. Why should I want to sleep with you after you spent the day with Geoffrey pawing you? How am I ever supposed to look at you with desire again when I've figured out that the strongest sexual attraction I've ever felt in my life is towards a man?
I sighed deeply. "No, Relena, I don't," I finally told her. "Until we get some counseling, I think sharing a bed would be a stupid idea."
"S-stupid?" she echoed in disbelief.
Okay, maybe that was a poor choice of words. "It would be--unwise," I amended. "We just established this morning that our relationship is on shaky ground. I think any good marriage counselor would suggest starting back at the beginning, and taking it slow."
"But it's not like it's the first time--"
"No, Relena," I said firmly. "You need to understand how serious I am about how messed up your--our priorities have been. Until that changes, I think we should go back to the way things were when we started dating." I rubbed at the bridge of my nose, trying not to let my frustration leak into my voice.
"Don't you love me any more?"
"Of course I do. I care a lot about you, or I wouldn't even bother to try," I sighed. "But there's no point in marrying each other only to keep going our separate ways."
I heard a frustrated hiss on the other end of the line. "I'm not even sure I know what you're talking about," she said curtly. "But fine. Have it your way. Good night, Heero."
She hung up before I did; but all I felt was relief. I wouldn't have to see her for over a week, by which time I should be able to get Duo to at least talk to me and help me figure out whether there was any chance at all for a relationship with him.
Meanwhile, I headed for my apartment, hoping that the day of sailing and recreation had left me weary enough to sleep in spite of my racing thoughts. Needless to say, it didn't, and I spent a very long night staring at the ceiling, alternately thinking about the most deliciously intense kiss of my life and the heartbreaking fallout from it. I wondered if Duo was asleep, wherever he was.
~*~
Wufei spotted me before I even made it to my desk the next morning.
"Yuy? What the--? You look like Hell. Are you sick?" He strode after me as I stumbled wearily into my office, tossing my briefcase onto a chair.
"Didn't sleep," I growled, heading for the coffee machine in the corner and starting to make a pot.
"Bad dreams?" he teased--hitting way too close to the mark.
I turned a cold glare his way. "You have to sleep to dream, Chang. And I didn't sleep a wink."
"Ah." His keen eyes lit with curiosity. "Does this have to do with your recent bout of soul-searching?"
I turned to face him, glancing significantly at the open door to indicate that any number of the usual office gossips could be hovering and trying to catch a juicy tidbit. "I have a lot on my mind," I muttered vaguely.
"Such as--?"
"This isn't the time or place."
"Name it."
I sighed deeply. "We're going on another trip next week, aren't we? I'm sure we'll have ample time to discuss my--journey to enlightenment." I quirked a mirthless smile at him, knowing he'd be amused by my choice of words.
He chuckled dryly. "I can hardly wait." The he tossed a very thick, well-stuffed folder onto my desk. "In the meantime, the Kushrenada account has a few updates needing your approval. Shall we focus on that for the moment?"
I sighed, glad for the distraction, while at the same time frustrated at being unable to vent my problems to my best friend. In spite of his teasing and prodding, Wufei could be quite serious when I had a real problem and a need for honest advice. If I could spill my guts about the previous day's bout of stupidity, I was sure he'd offer some guidance. But in the close quarters of the office, I felt uncomfortable discussing such personal matters; so I shoved them to the back of my mind and focused on the work at hand.
By mid afternoon, I'd called Duo's apartment and cell phone at least four more times, simply leaving the message "please call me back so we can talk." But when quitting time rolled around and he hadn't responded, I decided it was time to go ahead and run the "fox" to ground. So I slipped out fifteen minutes early, before Wufei had returned from a trip to the copier, and headed for Duo's place to make him listen.
TBC...
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