Heero POV Part 5

Out of my Head Part 7

Getting Duo's hair wet was easy enough. Lathering it up was awkward. From the side I was bent at an awkward angle and managed to pull his hair twice. I ended up straddling his waist, leaning over him, trying not to crush him.

I was seriously considering just getting in the damn tub, when Duo brushed his fingertips over my thighs just at the edge of my shorts.

I looked down at him and he grinned at me. "I like these shorts," he said, letting his fingertips wander a little further up.

"Duo... you're injured. Remember?"

"My legs are broken, but nothing else is." His grin turns depraved. "Besides, how can I resist? You're half naked, slightly damp..." His tongue touches my chest briefly.

"Try," I say, and attempt to focus on my task, ignoring those fingers. Only Duo would try something like this now...

"These shorts remind me of something..."

"Do they?"

"Remember two years after the war on Halloween when Quatre threw that Literary Masquerade ball?"

"I don't think I will ever forget it," I reply, sighing.

"I know I won't," his fingers slide a bit higher. "You looked so damn hot."

"I was so damn embarrassed." I finish lathering his hair and reach for the nozzle. "That was the last time I was stupid enough to bet on cards while playing against you."

"I cheated," he laughs.

"I figured that out later," I shake my head at him. "I wanted to go as Holmes and Watson..."

"But you lost..." he's still laughing. "You looked gorgeous as Little Red Riding Hood though..."

"And you were a perfect Big Bad Wolf." I can't help but smile a little- his laughter makes it hard not to.

"And that skirt Relena found for you..."

"You still never told me how you talked her into helping you..."

"It was her idea." His fingers slide higher. "Skirts really do allow for easy access..."

"I remember," and I feel the blush start to spread. I try and twitch away from his hands. "Stop that. Injury, remember?"

"I can't help it," his mouth touches my chest again. "I always want you. Just like I always need you. Don't you need me?"

I pull back a little, surprised at the sudden change in his tone. The teasing note is gone.

"Do you need me Heero? I sometimes think that you wouldn't care if I packed up and left..." His eyes meet mine. "Would you care? Do you need me?"

Why would he think I don't care? He's the one that wouldn't....

But that's not right is it? Duo said he needs and wants me... but is it as conditional as I think it is? Will he still want me if I can't be what he wants me to be?

Duo is waiting for an answer. "Yes, more than anything," I tell him. It's the truth. I know how much I love Duo. And I know what I would be willing to do to make him happy. Should I ask....? "But, Duo- I want you to be happy, and..."

The phone rings.

Damn it. If I could be sure it wasn't one of the others... I get to my feet and head to the phone... and I find that I'm relieved. Do I want to have that conversation with Duo now? Knowing I'm here for the next several weeks while his legs heal?

I scoop up the phone. "Yuy," I snap into the receiver.

The voice on the other end is heavy with pain- harsh and unrecognizable.

"We need to go to the hospital..."

"Trowa?" But Trowa has never sounded like this.

"It's Quatre..." He doesn't finish.

"WHAT?" No. No he can't mean....

Trowa continues in that heavy voice: "We need to be there, for when...."

" Yes, yes..." I can't listen to that dead voice of his anymore. Not now. I need to prepare myself for it. "We'll be there."

I slam the phone down and go back to Duo.

For a moment all I can do is look at him.

His legs are broken, he's bruised- but he is still here. I'm luckier than I deserve to be.

"Quatre?" He asks me. He must have heard my part of the conversation.

"We have to go to the hospital," I tell him, and shake myself into movement. I manage to get Duo's hair rinsed and in a ponytail, get the two of us into dry clothes and into the car- but I forget to give Duo his pain meds.

When I take a corner too fast I hear him hiss in pain and curse myself. I apologize, but Duo shrugs it off. He's right anyway, the drugs would make him too sleepy, and I know he needs to be there for Quatre.

I realize my next mistake when we get to the hospital- no wheelchair for Duo- and maybe no time to get one. Duo doesn't mind being carried, luckily for me.

When we get to the room- only Sally is there beside Quatre's bed. She turns and glares at me as I walk into the room. "Put Duo in the chair. Didn't you get a wheelchair?"

"We didn't know how much time we had." I explain, knowing that I have once again failed in Sally's eyes. She sighs and looks back at Quatre. I'm off the hook for now.

"I wish I could say. We can't find anything wrong with him. He's just fading..."

"Where are the others?" Duo asks.

"Trowa is bringing Wufei. I'm not sure who else is coming..." Sally sighs again. I can tell that she's tired and frustrated.

The door opens again and the others come in. I don't think they see us. All their focus is on that still figure in the bed. Wufei goes to Quatre's side immediately, but Trowa hangs back.

When I look at him, I see such pain and guilt that I have to go to him.

Once again Trowa grabs a hold of me, as if he's drowning and about to pull me down with him.

"He promised me that we'd always be together! He said he'd never leave. He was supposed to be okay! You said he'd be okay!"

I hold onto him tightly. I don't know what to say to him. There's only one thing I can do to comfort him- I take him to Wufei.

And then I return to my source of comfort and hang over the back of his chair. I can see the rise and fall of Duo's chest; see his expression change from puzzled to sad to something that looks like anger.

He reaches up and yanks on my sleeve. "Pick me up." I'm not sure why he needs to be up, but I do as he asks. He has me carry him closer to the bed. He leans over Quatre and for a moment I remember the two of them at that damn Masquerade ball, leaning together in a corner, Duo's eyes moving over me, Quatre smirking affectionately at him...

"Quatre," Duo says loudly. "You know we're here. Why are you making us worry like this?" He's scolding Quatre? Now? "We're all okay. Your idiots are worried about you though. You know they'd be lost without you, so wake your damn ass up."

For a moment I half expect Quatre to open his eyes and tell Duo to go to hell. He doesn't and despair hits me for a moment, before I realize that Quatre's heart monitor is speeding up just a bit.

Duo turns slightly in my arms and glares at Wufei and Trowa. "Talk to him! Tell him you want him back. Tell him you're not mad. Tell him you're okay." They blink in surprise and then lean over the bed, voices falling over each other in rapid succession...

It can't really be that simple, can it?

But the heart monitor is falling into a normal rhythm, Quatre's color is returning... I step a bit away from the bed, giving the three of them some privacy.

I squeeze Duo a bit when I notice the satisfied smile on his face. "Good job."

"Just proves that communication is the key to any good relationship." Duo gives me an odd sideways glance.

He can't know... but I realize that I need to talk to him about my decision to leave. I need to find out if I really am right...

But I can't now.

Because now Quatre's eyes are opening- and he's smiling up at his two lovers leaning over him, frantic in their relief.

And Sally is pulling us out of the room.

"I think they need some time," she says, and smiles at Duo. "As a thank you for what you did in there, how about I get rid of those splints and give you some real casts?"

"Can you change my meds too?" Duo asks her as we follow her down the hall. "I hate being sleepy all the time."

"I might be able to manage something."

She ushers us into another room and tells us to wait while she fetches what she needs. I put Duo down carefully on the examining table.

He doesn't let me go, however. "Kiss me?" He asks softly.

I don't like kissing him someplace that anyone could just walk in on us, but I don't want to say no either. So I bend down a bit more, intending just to brush his lips with mine.

Duo wants more than that. His arms tighten around me, his mouth coaxes mine into responding the way he wants me to...

And Sally clears her throat. I pull away from Duo, feeling my cheeks flush slightly. He's grinning.

"Glad to see you two are doing okay again," she smiles as she walks into the room and I freeze a little. Damn woman. Duo is giving me a puzzled look, and I don't know what to do.

'Doing okay again?' He mouths silently at me as Sally turns her back on us to put her supplies down on the counter. He raises a questioning eyebrow and I know I'm caught now. I wanted to talk about this anyway, but this was not the best way for Duo to find out...

I shrug helplessly; shooting a glare at Sally's back, and Duo yanks my sleeve so that I'm looking at him again. His expression is grim.

Sally turns back around, and Duo's expression changes, the actor covering up- how many times have I seen that happen?

I mutter something about going to grab some coffee and I flee the room.

I don't go too far- I don't know how long this procedure will take- but I couldn't stand there with him looking at me like that. I drop down on a nearby sofa to try and pull myself together again.

I've felt so fucking fragmented lately. Ever since I decided to go- and this whole circus has only made it worse. Forced to stay, but wanting to stay, but wanting to go... Do I even know what I want anymore?

I put my head in my hands and clear my mind the best I can, taking deep breaths, trying to regain my center. I've been so thrown off by this whole thing- reacting without thinking... J would be disappointed in me. Odin would too.

I don't even know what I'm feeling anymore- how could I take Odin's advice to follow my feelings when I don't know what I'm feeling?

As Dr. J would say- first things first.

I think of Duo next to the tub, looking up at me: "Do you need me?"

Yes... but...

But I don't think I'm what he needs. What he wants. Even if he seems to think so. Duo is the one who could go on without me, not looking back.

Isn't he?

"Heero?" A weight joins me on the couch. "You okay?"

I look up and find Trowa there.

"What are you doing here?"

"Quatre wants to see the two of you. He sent me to tell you that when Sally finishes with Duo's legs you need to stop by." Trowa smiles. "Okay?"

"Of course. Is he...?"

"Better now." Trowa's smile widens. "Thanks to Duo. Wufei and I owe him for this one."

"I doubt he'll see it that way."

"I do. And so I have a question to ask you. Are you still thinking of leaving him?"

I draw in a sharp breath. "Sally told you?"

"Duo told me." Trowa frowns. "Why do you think he was so frantic that I come and fetch you yesterday morning? He was afraid you were already gone."

What? How?

And I remember the laptop sitting beside Duo that morning. The frantic way he had reached out to me... his panic when I wasn't there...

He read my goodbye letter...

"Hasn't he said anything to you about it?"

"No." I shook my head. "We haven't... He's been drugged up a lot of the time... but..." That sure explained a lot of his behavior...

"Well, I'm sure he has his reasons. But you didn't answer my question. Are you still going to try and leave him?"

"Try and leave him?"

"I did mention that Wufei and I owe Duo a debt. I know he wants you to stay. So you will stay, or I will break your legs."

Trowa's voice is conversational, his expression calm as if he is telling me the weather.

But the steel in his eyes tells me he is serious.

"What if it is the best thing for him? What if I can't be what he wants me to be?"

Trowa snorts. "I didn't realize that being exactly what the other person wants you to be was the basis of a relationship. I suggest you talk to Duo." He gets to his feet. "After the two of you come and talk to Quatre."

He vanishes down the hallway.

I get to my feet and go back into the exam room. Sally is working on Duo's second cast. The first leg is already finished and propped up.

I see the way Duo's eyes go to the door when I open it. See the flash of relief on his face when I step inside.

He's been worried I wouldn't come back.

"I ran into Trowa in the hallway," I say as I move closer to the bed, taking the hand that Duo holds out to me. "Quatre wants to see us."

"I'm almost done." Sally doesn't look up. "Then I'll find Duo a chair and you can go see him."

"I don't mind carrying him." I reply.

"Don't talk about me like I'm not here." Duo interjects with a faint grin. "My legs are broken, not my ears."

"Which would you prefer then?" I ask. "Want a chair, or me?"

"I always want you," he smiles back, eyes meeting mine. "But I don't want to strain your back either."

"I'll get you a chair." Sally pats the cast gently. "All done. I'll be right back." She bustles out of the room. Duo and I look at each other in silence for a long moment.

"Heero-" Duo's grip tightens on my hand. "I- I think we need to talk."

"I know we do." I nod. "But we need to see Quatre first. And get your meds." I brush the hair out of his face. "But let me tell you this first- I won't leave you as long as you need me here, okay?"

He opens his mouth to reply, but Sally chooses that moment to push open the door, wheelchair open and ready in front of her.

"All set," she says cheerily. "Quatre's waiting."

~*~

Quatre is indeed waiting. He's propped up in bed, Wufei and Trowa on either side, lions guarding their king. The image nearly makes me laugh for a moment. My nerves are strung tight by the prospect of my upcoming 'talk' with Duo.

It's hard to focus on much. Wufei moves to the side so I can put Duo's chair beside Quatre's bed. Trowa is glaring at me from under his bangs, and judging from the looks Wufei is also giving me, I have a feeling that word of my attempt to leave Duo has already gotten out.

Quatre and Duo talk quietly for a moment, exchanging mutual reassurances, and then Quatre reaches out a hand to me. Maybe he hasn't heard?

"Heero," he smiles for me and I can see the weariness in it. "Thank you for being there for Trowa. I don't know what we'd do without you."

He's heard.

"Trowa kept me calm too," I reply, squeezing Quatre's hand. "We were very worried there for awhile."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"It's all right." I let go of his hand and move back behind Duo's chair.

A few more assurances, some mutual chiding and I can at last get Duo out of there. Sally meets us in the hallway, a new prescription in hand. Duo has already had a dose, so he won't need another for a few hours. It should relieve the pain but not knock him out so badly. I listen to her instructions and then take Duo to the car.

Luckily the chair fits in the trunk of our car- something I hadn't considered earlier.

Duo is quiet on the way home. I look at him in the rearview mirror and see that his complexion is pale, his eyes wide and frightened looking.

Does this scare him so much? Or is it me? Do I scare him?

I curse our second floor apartment. I'm going to have to make two trips- one with the chair and one with Duo. As I slide out of the car, Duo finally says something.

"Leave the chair here? We... you can get it later."

"Okay." I reach into the backseat to pull him out as gently as I can. He wraps his arms tightly around my neck and holds on as I lock the car and take him up to our apartment.

"Bed?" I ask.

"Sofa." I put him down gently and sit beside him. He turns slightly and then launches himself at me, knocking me sideways, burrowing into my arms. "Duo?"

"I don't hate you." His voice is soft, muffled by my shirt, but the words spill out of him in a flood. "I don't want you to change. I read the email. I heard you talking to Sally about how you were going to leave and I asked the nurse to get the computer for me. I didn't tell you because I was afraid you would leave anyway. I don't want you to leave. I was trying to show you that I love you. I don't know why you would think that I would hate you..." He finally takes a deep breath.

"Duo-" I start and he shakes his head.

"That's not true, I know why you do. I've been trying to get you to change... but I really haven't. I just like having you with me. I don't like being without you..."

A hiccupping breath this time. He tries to start again but he can't seem to catch his breath. This is very worrying. Duo seems to be dancing on the edge of hysteria and I don't know how to stop it.

"You need to relax," I pull him closer, turning and arranging us so that I'm lying down, Duo curled up between my legs, head against my shoulder. His arms wrap around me and his breathing begins to fall back into a normal pattern.

"This is my haven." He squeezes me for a moment. "Don't take it away from me Heero. Please. I'll do anything..."

"All I want is for you to be happy." I tell him, "and I don't think I make you happy."

TBC...

 

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