Second Chances Part 4
I'd forgotten how beautiful he is. Trowa thought in wonder as he stared down at the sleeping form. No. That's not right. I'd tried to forget. To forget the impact his almost angelic beauty has on me. He reached down and traced a fingertip along Quatre's lower lip, longing to finally kiss those lips. But, he still didn't know how the blonde felt, not for positive. And from the looks of things it was going to be a while before he did find out. Sighing, he fought down the surge of fear that threatened to over take him and sat down on the bed beside the sleeping Arab. Leaning his back against the headboard he let his thoughts wander.
He was taking a big risk showing up here, like this. But after the talk that he'd had with Duo, he'd decided to face his fear and find out once and for all. He'd finished off the rest of the alcohol, that had been in his room, after Duo had stormed out. Drank himself into quite a stupor.
The next morning when he woke, he was lying across his bed with an empty bottle lying beside him, not even sure how he'd gotten across the room. He'd had a pounding headache and still felt no better than he had the night before when he'd started drinking.
If it were at all possible, he'd felt worse. After taking a shower and getting rid of the headache, he'd spent the rest of the day sulking around his room, Quatre occupying his every thought. He ran through so many possible scenarios and always came up with the same answer. This had to be settled, now. Before anymore time had passed.
He picked up the phone several times to call Duo, but had hung up every time. Finally in a fit of self-disgust, he had grabbed his jacket and headed out on foot, determined not to turn back.
When he had knocked on their door, Heero and Duo had promptly pulled him inside and set him down at the kitchen table, cup of coffee in hand. Staring at his friends' concerned expressions he finally broke down and for the first time in his life had shared. Every hurt, every emotion, every fear had poured out of him, until his voice was raw with his grief. The two former pilots had surrounded him on both sides with their arms around him, offering their friendship, support and comfort. Although Duo's reaction had been expected, he'd been caught completely off guard by Heero. Faced with the sudden compassion of his formerly icy teammate, he'd broken down and sobbed uncontrollably, clinging to Heero as if he was afraid he'd drown if he let go.
Eventually the storm had passed, leaving him drained and ashamed. Heero and Duo sat with him and related the story of Heero's self-discovery to him. The anguish and tears that he'd gone through when finally faced with his feelings for Duo. How he'd almost torn himself apart before he broke down and went to the American. Upon hearing that Trowa came to the realization that none of them could cling to their pasts anymore. The others had let go, it was his turn. It was time to confront the feelings that he'd fought for so long. Not only the love that he felt for Quatre, but the feelings of worthlessness that he'd dealt with his entire life. It was time for him to start anew and live. Seeing his exhaustion, the two had insisted that he stay with them that night.
The next morning, he knew that he'd be going to Quatre's estate. He'd tell him how he felt, how he'd felt almost from the moment he'd met him. And he'd accept whatever decision that Quatre made about him... them. That had set Heero and Duo off again. Heero told him about the state they had found Quatre in and the confrontations with him. How Heero was afraid the left alone on his present course, that he'd eventually be driven to end his own life. And that had frightened Trowa even more than the thought of spending his life without the person he cared most for.
When Heero had dropped him off at the space port, he asked the tall pilot what he was going to do. "Fight." Trowa had replied. "I'm going to fight for him."
Getting out of the car, Duo had hugged him, his violet eyes shining and told him that they'd be waiting to hear from him. Then Heero had done the most unexpected thing. He'd stepped forward and taking Trowa's face in his hands, had gently kissed him.
"Good luck." He'd murmured, stepping back from the startled boy and slipping his arm around Duo's waist.
Trowa simply nodded and walked into the bustling port.
~*~
He'd tried knocking on the door and getting no answer, decided that he'd just find a way in and wait. He'd had no trouble with that, considering his training. Once inside he'd found Quatre's jacket and briefcase sitting in a chair in the hall, signs that he was probably here. He started to search the house, until he found the Arabian's room. His heart had stopped when he opened the door and seen the blonde stretched out on the bed and he'd rushed over to make sure he was all right.
He was fine, just sleeping. But, Trowa had been unable to wake him, getting only a few garbled murmurs from the boy. He searched around until he found the bottle of sleeping pills and realized that he would just have to wait until Quatre woke on his own. Walking back over to the bed, he'd gazed down at the blonde realizing just how much he did love him.
Now, lying beside him, waiting for him to wake, Trowa realized that Quatre would probably be a bit upset at finding the taller man lying on his bed. But, he'd decided that shock might be enough to get the Arab to open-up. He hoped. He lay there long enough to drift off himself, sliding down in the bed. Quatre, sensing him, turned his way, throwing a slender arm around Trowa's waist and resting his head on his chest. Trowa's arm slipped around his shoulders, holding the blonde gently against his side.
They were both awakened by a sharp gasp from the doorway. Quatre, realizing where he was, bolted upright, Trowa quickly following. Brenna stood in the doorway, a horrified look on her face.
"Brenna!" Quatre cried. He started and turned, his sapphire eyes confused. "Trowa?"
Before Trowa had the chance to respond Brenna strode across the room and slapped Quatre. "Bastard!" She hissed. "So, this is why you disappeared! And you!" She turned to Trowa, her blue eyes blazing. "You lied to me! You swore you knew nothing." She laughed bitterly. "I knew that trash like you couldn't be trusted. You were there to steal him away! To get as his mo..."
"Brenna!" Quatre spoke sharply. "That's enough! He had nothing to do with it. I'm not even sure why he's here now, demo I will not have you talking like that in my house." His eyes narrowed. "I suggest you apologize."
I will not." She sputtered. "Not to the likes of him."
The sharp crack of Quatre's palm striking her cheek echoed through the room. Brenna put her hand to her face and stared at him in horror. Never had she known the quiet blonde to raise his voice or strike out in anger at another person.
Trowa started. What had happened to him? He could see evidence of Heero's theories in the dark depths of the Arab's sapphire eyes. He really is breaking down!
A brief look of shock passed across Quatre's pale features. What am I doing? He already knew the answer. He'd finally come to the point that he couldn't control the anger inside, any longer. He'd started to lose his control that night at the party. This life had destroyed him and he knew he just couldn't go on any longer.
"Q-Quatre? Why?" She whispered.
His blue eyes hardened once more. "I think you should leave." He stated flatly.
"B-but..."
"Go! Now!" He yelled. Then more quietly, he added. "It's finished."
"No! You can't!" She cried, grabbing him by the shoulders. "Quatre! Think of the scandal! Not only for you, but me also!"
He reached up and removed her hands. "I don't care."
"You don't care? How could you not care?" She cried angrily, straightening up. "Fine. I'll go! I can tell you that all of the colonies will learn about what I've seen here today! Your company will be ruined. I won't let you destroy me with this... this..." She gestured angrily at Trowa. "This worthless garbage!"
Turning on her heel, she strode from the room, pausing at the door when he spoke.
"The company will be fine... without me as the CEO, you can't touch it."
Without another word she left, his words falling on deaf ears.
Trowa, who had remained silent though all this, finally moved. "Quatre." He spoke softly, placing a hand on the blonde's shoulder.
Quatre flinched at his touch and jerked away. Turning, he fixed an icy glare on the green-eyed pilot. "What are you doing here, Trowa?" The tall boy gasped at the lifelessness in those sapphire eyes. When had it gotten so bad for him? Do you really think you can help? His inner voice queried. I have to try. You can barely keep yourself in check, what could you possibly do but make his life worse? I have to try he raged silently at himself. I can change. Can you? Yes! I have to... I want to! For his sake and mine.
Trying to calm his inner turmoil, to speak up through his own self-doubts, he looked into those blue eyes. "I'm here because I wanted to see you. To talk to you." Lame start, he chastised himself. You're going to have to do better than that.
"About what, Trowa? What could you possible have to say to me after all this time?" Quatre's eyes narrowed. "Heero and Duo put you up to this!"
"No. They didn't."
"But, you've talked to them." He slammed his fist into the mattress. "I told them not to interfere! And the same goes for you." He growled. "I want you to stay out of my life!"
Please, Gods no. "I can't do that." Trowa stated simply.
"What? Why is that? You've done a good job of it so far."
Trowa flinched as the words cut into him. "I shouldn't have. I know that now." Please... listen to me. He cried silently.
"It's a little late. You didn't answer my question. What could you possibly have to say? I can't imagine that it's anything I'd want to hear."
Trowa sighed and tried to collect his thoughts. Pushing down the absolute terror that rose within him, he spoke. "There are things that should have been said years ago and weren't. I was too scared to tell you. Too sure of my own worthlessness."
Quatre raised an eyebrow. "Like what?" He asked sarcastically.
"That I should've never let you go."
Quatre stared at him dumbly. Why? Why! Why, would he do this now? I'm no good to you now. He cried inside. There's nothing left to care about... that can care. Nothing left but a husk. If that's true then why did that hurt so much? Husks can't feel, he thought insanely. Suddenly he let out a hysterical laugh. "W-what?"
Trowa closed his eyes, the blonde's pain bit deeply into him. You did this to him. He told himself. What you see before you is your own work... your creation. "I said, I should've never let you go."
"You never had me." You did... yes... you did. But, you walked away from me. You threw my feelings to the side and walked away. You never even looked back to see me dying.
Trowa reached out, tried to touch, but the Arabian flinched so badly that he was afraid to press it. "I think I did, but I didn't realize it." Taking a deep breath, he realized he was shaking. "Quatre... I loved you then. Before the war ever ended. And now..."
"Bastard!" Quatre flew at him. He slapped his face, hard, drawing blood from the brunette's lip. "How could you even dare come here and talk to me of these things!! You've completely destroyed everything I've worked for these last couple of years! All because you say you once loved me?" Trowa, he whimpered inside...please, don't do this to me. I can't take anymore.
Trowa grabbed his arm, to stop him from swinging again. "Quatre... I love you." He whispered. "I've never stopped."
"Then why? You avoided me whenever you could. I haven't heard a word from you since the uprising." He literally spat out the words. "Those aren't the actions of someone who cares!" Tell me... make me understand, he screamed inside. Ah, make the pain stop... I'm begging you. I don't want to hurt anymore.
"I thought it was for the best."
"For the best? For who? For you, maybe! It wasn't for my sake!"
I don't know the words. Someone help me! I don't know how to make you understand. "It was for your sake. Look at the life you live, Quatre. Where would I fit in? What good would I have done for you?" He said miserably, letting go of Quatre's arm. I can't do this. How can I defend myself when my actions were completely wrong? Tell me, my love... how do I reach you? He got up and started to pace the room. "I was afraid."
"Afraid? Don't you think that I was, too? I'd never felt anything like I had felt for you. I was terrified... but, it wouldn't have stopped me!"
"No, it wouldn't have. You were always able to face up to the things that you were frightened of." You were always so much stronger than I. All I could do was hide from it... I couldn't face it. I couldn't face you.
Quatre stared at him. "That's all you have to say? It's not enough, Trowa." He jumped up, his fists clenched. "Do you hear me?" He yelled. "It's not enough!! It won't change things. Not now not ever!" He rushed up to the taller boy and slammed his fist into his chest. "Bastard! How could you do this?" He cried, pummeling Trowa's chest with his fists. "It's not enough! I can't forgive..."
His words were cut off as Trowa grabbed his shoulders and kissed him. The brunette slid his arms around the smaller blonde and poured everything he felt into that kiss. Every emotion he'd been fighting for the last four years went into that touch.
Quatre struggled, pushing against him. No! Don't do this! Don't make me feel again! I can't! I can't bear the pain if you leave again! Slowly the fight drained out of him and as the taller boy coaxed his mouth open, his slender arms slid up around Trowa's neck. He leaned in, allowing Trowa to tighten his embrace, and started to kiss him back. His tongue teasing with Trowa's, tasting the warmth that he'd craved for so long. He thought he felt the ice around his gentle heart start to crack.
Trowa almost fainted with relief as the blonde started to respond to his kiss. Ah, Gods, he tastes as sweet as I always imagined he would. He slid one hand up through the silken blond hair, longing to touch all that he could.
Then suddenly as it had started, it ended. With one great push, Quatre shoved him away. "How dare you!" He hissed. "How dare you touch me? You have no right!" I can't bear to feel you that close to me. I can't take the pain of my emotions awakening again.
"Quat..."
"No! No more!" Quatre whispered. "I want you to get out."
No! Don't do this. Neither one of us can survive this if you turn away now. My love, can't you hear me crying? I can feel your pain... can't you feel mine? "Please, Quatre. Don't do this."
Do what? Quatre thought hysterically. Ask you to do what you've always done the best. To leave me alone? "It shouldn't be too hard for you to leave." He said tonelessly. "You've always been good at that." Trowa! He screamed inside. I do love you! Don't let me do this! Show me how to be the way I used to be! I'm begging you! Don't listen to me!
"Is this what you really want."
"Yes! Now! Leave. I never want to see you here again."
Trowa stared at him for a moment. I don't know what to do. How do I react? I can't reach him. Then he turned and walked out the door. I need to think this out. I need to find another way. I'll go... but I promise you that somehow, someway... I'll get through to you. I have to, for both of us. I'll never survive without you.
Quatre watched him leave, making sure he was out of the house before his emotions took over. Trembling, he fell to the floor sobbing uncontrollably. Ah... it hurts! It hurts! I can't take anymore. Raising his head, he realized that night had fallen. It was pitch dark outside. Just like in my heart. He thought wildly.
Trowa walked swiftly until he was off the estate grounds. Out in the road he started to shake. I don't know how to do this. What can I do? All I've touched I've destroyed. I'm so afraid that I'll do the same to you. But, I have to help you. He walked over to a tree at the side of the road and leaned his head against the rough bark.
I told you. You never do any good. He railed at himself. All you've done is made things worse for him. Just like you were afraid you would. Why do you try to fool yourself? Why do you try to tell yourself that you're more than you are? "Shut up." He whispered, his body going cold. "Leave me be." He turned and slid down the trunk of the tree, sitting on the cold damp ground. "Shut up!" He yelled into the darkness.
Inside, Quatre raised his tear stained face to the ceiling and let out a scream. The wrenching sound of a soul dying. "Trowaaaaaaaa!"
~*~
A couple hours later, a phone rang in a distant home. "I got it!" Duo yelled, running into the den. He grabbed the receiver. "Hello?"
He listened for a minute before dropping the receiver, leaving it spinning on its cord as he spun around and grabbed his keys off the desk. "Heero!" He screamed, running from the room, his voice filled with terror.
TBC...
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