Author: Jei
Pairing: 1x2
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Yaoi
Summary: Duo learns to dance to the beat of his own heart.
Note: Written for Moments of Rapture 2012. Special thanks to Sharon, for being Sharon.
Additional Notes: Ha, see the turnip totally procrastinate on writing/posting anything because I knew I'd eventually have this old thing to whip out. -_-'
Rhythm Emotion
Day -363
Duo didn't consider himself a vain man, nor an especially prideful man. But he did like to think of himself as an honest man, and in his more honest moments, he admitted to a competitive spirit, and perhaps a smidge of a temper.
When they'd called the other man's name, it hadn't stung over-much. He'd wanted it, known he was good enough to get it, but rejection was something a professional dancer had to get used to. There would always be someone better out there. The best a guy could hope for was that those better people weren't trying out for the same positions he was. All he could do was be the best he could be.
He punched his pillow a few times and rolled over onto his back. He knew staring at the clock was hardly the way to fall asleep, but he couldn't resist the urge to turn his head and look blearily at the digital display. Not quite as late as he'd expected, but time passed slowly in these circumstances. He shut his eyes again and tried to relax, tried to tell himself it was fortunate he didn't have rehearsals to get to in the morning, but the reason for it kept echoing through his brain.
It hadn't been his intention to overhear the two members of the selection panel discussing the decision after the fact, but overhear it he had. His technique had been on par with their eventual choice, his partnering superior. No, that was nothing to lose sleep over. It was that they'd both agreed that there had been something missing from his performance, a strange inability to connect with his audience, a subtle lack of expression, emotion, honesty.
They all three agreed with that, actually, except Duo hadn't been able to put that 'off' feeling he'd had into words. He wasn't quite certain when it had started, how long it'd been creeping up on him. At least a year. Less than three, since he'd been unfettered when that regional critic had marked him a rising star in the dance world, a force to keep an eye on. He remembered the performance that had inspired the words. Now that, that was what dance was meant to be. The joy, the passion, working through the choreography like it wasn't even there, the moves flowing through him like the truest expression of his self in that moment.
To dance any less than that was a travesty.
~*~
Day -240
He accepted the praise of his fellow dancers with a modest nod, and returned the praise in kind. The energy had been high tonight. It usually was on opening night. Being around the holidays, even more so.
Everyone danced well tonight. The program had been alternately touching and uplifting. Duo felt he'd gotten into the spirit of things. He liked the holidays, they'd put together a set with sophistication and only a whiff of seasonal cheesiness offered up by a trio of junior members, and a healthy synergy always built up around dancing with others equally skilled and enthusiastic about their craft.
He carefully put away all thoughts of the skilled and enthusiastic dancers he wasn't performing with, the routines he wasn't dancing, the venue he wasn't in. It wasn't jealousy, really, nor resentment. Just motivation for him to get his head sorted out. But not right now. Right now, he owed his current engagement his full and undivided attention.
~*~
Day -200
With some difficulty, he got his class settled down and ready to begin the day's lesson. The girls were usually cooperative, and fortunately, there were a lot more of them than their male counterparts. The girls wanted this chance to rise above the drabness around them and prove they could be beautiful, too.
The boys were officially present under protest. It wasn't easy for a boy to admit he wanted to dance. Hip hop, maybe. B-boying, that was cool, too. Contemporary? Not so much, but it helped that their only other choice at the moment was tap, and that Duo was pretty good at putting a positive spin on things for them. He had plenty of personal experience from which to draw on that matter.
~*~
Day -185
He always thought better on his feet. Eyes closed, iPod on, he moved through the music with the choreography he'd gotten last week, sometimes altering it here and there. He did it over and over until he was satisfied with the flow of the routine from beginning to end. He probably would have done it even if the choreographer hadn't declared that she was open to alterations, but at least now, he didn't have to lock horns with anyone just to be comfortable with the piece.
He was glad for her openness. This way, he couldn't blame his disconnect on bad choreography. He'd had his moments, off and on in the last few months, when he'd had to resist falling into that trap. It was so easy to believe it was someone else's fault, but he remembered the words of one of his teachers. It didn't matter how bad his partners were, how awkward the choreography was. That was never an excuse for doing a poor job. The true artist works with what he is given, and produces something beautiful from it.
At the time, he'd considered the words a bit high-handed, but he'd learned the truth of it over the years.
His thoughts strayed to his other gig. He'd never really wanted to teach, but it helped pay the bills, gave him something constructive to do, and afforded him round-the-clock access to this nice studio space.
He thought about his students. He hoped things clicked for at least one of them. Maybe not in this class, a novice class, but maybe farther on down in the series, when dance became more fun, more natural, and not so much about trying to impress the members of the opposite sex while pretending not to care at all. At least they were old enough to be over the idea of cooties, and young enough that there was minimal leering and flirting. Preening and posturing, he could deal with.
He tried to remember when he'd been that young. It really hadn't been all that long ago. But he didn't remember trying to show off to the girls that much. He remembered blushing a little when he'd had to put his hands on a girl. Holds were innocent enough to begin with, but things got more adventurous from there pretty quickly. He'd been nervous about accidentally groping her in an entirely inappropriate way, about dropping her, about whether he was strong enough, about her figuring out he was nervous.
And then one day, it all just clicked, and oh what a day that had been.
He missed that click. Not the hold click, but that click he'd gotten when dance became more than just a series of moves. He'd thought it was like the proverbial riding of a bike, but apparently he was mistaken. It came and it went, but an inconsistent dancer wasn't worth much. Had he taken it for granted? Was it just taking him longer to get in the zone?
He glanced involuntarily at the calendar on the wall. He could understand a delay of a few weeks maybe. It took time to learn steps and settle into a routine. But this went way, way beyond a few weeks, and well into the realm of absurdity.
With a sigh, he headed over to the chair where he'd parked his stuff and got ready to leave the studio for the night. He still had half a year left. It wasn't quite panic time yet. Frustration time, maybe. But no one could get into the zone if they were frustrated. He wasn't sure how he'd manage to un-frustrate himself, the closer he got to his self-imposed deadline, but...
Well. He still had a good six more months to figure it out. It was time to go home for the night.
~*~
Day -178
"Thanks for helping Rob out today."
Duo waved his hand in dismissal as he sipped at his water bottle. "No prob. He's a good kid."
Hilde nodded amiably. "Too bad puberty seems to have gotten the best of him."
He laughed. "His balance will catch up with the rest of him. Nah, I had fun today. It's good to get out of your style once in a while, yanno?" Out of his style, and out of his head. Tap was a dance he still had to think about, and while that was entirely not what he wanted to do with his own native style, getting an outside perspective could be useful sometimes. With the tap class just a half-hour after his, it was a handy convenience he took advantage of now and again. In exchange, Hilde lent him a hand in his class once in a while as well.
"Whoa, hey, you've been holding out on me," he joked as Hilde pulled a tupperware of cookies out of her duffle bag.
She pulled the container close to her. "Hands off. These aren't for you."
"Well, they aren't for your class, since they're all gone now."
"They're for the guy upstairs."
"What guy upstairs?"
"You know." She wiggled her fingers in the direction of the ceiling. "Oh, that's right. You weren't here when he was moving in. We have a new upstairs neighbor. I ran into him the other day. Told him I'd get him an office-warming present."
"Wow, he must be really hot or something."
Hilde pulled her hoodie out of her bag and shrugged it on with a coy smirk. "Well, yes, as a matter of fact he is. Hot, and about our age, and apparently successful. But I'd be neighborly either way."
"If you say so. Can I have a cookie?"
"I just told you, these aren't for you!"
"Oh, come on. He's not gonna notice if one is missing."
"Tell you what. You come with me to say hello, and if you're lucky, he'll offer you one."
He contemplated that for a moment before heaving a dramatic sigh. "Fine. They better be good cookies. Hey, they're not like vegan cookies, are they? You know guys don't really do vegan, right?"
~*~
Day -175
Through the window in their front door, he caught sight of their new neighbor as the man walked down the hall toward the stairs up to his office. Duo pondered him as he continued to count out a rhythm for his class. He'd seemed a perfectly pleasant man, but Duo just hadn't taken to him. He wasn't sure why. Maybe it was just too many roosters in the hen house.
He didn't have a thing for Hilde. They got along great, but their interest in each other didn't seem to go past good friendship. So it didn't bother him, per se, that Hilde had flirted a little with the man upstairs. Had, in fact, cheerfully ogled the man's backside as he reached underneath his desk to plug something in to the power strip there. Was he vindicated at all that the man hadn't responded?
Maybe it was just an alpha male thing. Despite the fact that their new neighbor had presented himself as quite mild-mannered and completely unthreatening. Hilde was his, in a pack sort of way. They both taught classes here. They were both members of the local dance scene. Duo himself wasn't an especially aggressive guy, but he'd developed fraternal, protective instincts after all those formative years of being one of the few guys in a flock of girls.
Maybe he was just being snooty. The guy was a freelance programmer of some sort. Mild-mannered, completely unthreatening, and undoubtedly lacking a creative bone in his body. That sort of thing didn't seem contagious, but it never hurt to play things on the safe side.
Well, whyever the guy put him on edge, Duo resolved to be just as pleasant and unthreatening back to him, otherwise Hilde would catch wind of it and never feed him a cookie again. Not even a vegan one.
~*~
Day -168
His class ran a little bit late, and Hilde showed up a bit early. She noticed a morose look about him immediately. "Is something the matter, Duo?"
He held an internal debate on the finer points of telling her, and eventually decided he'd better man up and confess. "Oh, nothing," he answered airily. "Except the guy upstairs probably thinks I'm out of my mind, and that I may think he's a stalker."
"Wait, what? You think he's a stalker?"
"No, but I'm sure he thinks I think he's a stalker."
"Um. Do I even want to know why?"
"I was here last night, doing my thing, and then I look over and see him watching me through the window."
"Oh, creepy!"
"No! It totally wasn't! I mean, I think I just looked over there at exactly the right moment, when he happened to be looking in, and then I saw him! I don't think he was stalker-watching me. But I think my first reaction was like, 'oh creepy!' because I don't think I recognized him and I think it showed, and it woulda been kinda creepy if I'd been a girl, but luckily I'm not, so... I kinda ran after him. I shoulda left good enough alone. He didn't seem to think it was awkward or anything. He just kinda waved and then walked away, but I didn't really register that at the time. I just thought I should go apologize for that look on my face, so I caught him before he walked out, and then..."
"And then... what?"
He smacked his forehead with the palm of his hand. "And then I kinda babbled on a bit about how, don't worry, I don't think you're a stalker, which probably had the complete opposite effect of what I was going for. And he kinda did that thing, had that tone of voice you get when you're humoring the weirdo in front of you? Yeah, that. He apologized and left."
Hilde laughed. And when Duo protested that it wasn't funny, she laughed some more. "Wow, Duo. I didn't take you for the babbling type."
"Yeah, me neither! I spent most of the night wondering what the hell possessed me to act like a complete basketcase. Now I'm gonna have to play the avoidance game with him."
She rolled her eyes. "Oh, yeah, that's real mature. Why don't you just go upstairs and apologize for being such a weirdo?"
"Are you kidding me? What if I make things worse?"
"You think you can get worse than 'basketcase'?"
"Well, now that you've jinxed me by asking that, yes, I probably can!"
"Oh, come on. I have no intentions of avoiding him in the hall, and I'd prefer not to be known as that girl that works with the crazy guy. Go upstairs and talk to him."
"It's the middle of his workday. I'm sure he's quite busy."
"He's a freelancer, Duo. He makes his own hours. And, I dunno, just how long do you think it'll take to convince him you're not crazy?"
"I'm sure the longer it takes, the crazier I'll sound."
"Exactly. And it'll be even weirder if you wait a month before bringing it up. So just go up and say a few words to him. No, don't ask me what. I'm sure you'll come up with something." They heard the building door open, and a couple of her students chatting as they entered. She smirked at him. "Do you need me to walk you up there? No? Then go on. Shoo."
He consented, but only because he felt it was better to put himself out of his misery. He took the stairs up slowly, trying to decide whether he should just wing it or compose something instead. He figured he'd probably sound like an idiot either way.
He knocked tentatively on the nondescript door, and distracted himself during the subsequent wait by staring at the suite sign. Suite 201, Yuy Software Solutions. A bit ostentatious really, not that that was Yuy's fault. They were provided by the building, and if management wanted to call the modest office space a suite, well, that was their prerogative. There was only one more office space up there, and it was empty at the moment, so Yuy Software Solutions could take up the entire second floor, for all that it mattered.
The door opened partway, and they blinked in surprise at each other for a couple of seconds before Duo kicked his mouth into gear. "Hi! Uh... Heero, yeah? Look, I just wanted to apologize for last night. I... don't know what came over me. I'm sorry if I... weirded you out."
Heero blinked a few more times before opening the door a bit wider. He didn't seem like he was expecting guests, judging by his clothes. Well, no, the clothes were fine -- unbuttoned shirt layered over a t-shirt with jeans. Casual, but neat. It was the mustard yellow house slippers that didn't fit the image. "No, not at... all," he responded with a slightest hesitation. The tone was friendly enough, but the pause implied that no, actually it had been a little bit weird, and he wasn't the kind of person to indulge too heavily in sweet social lies. "Don't worry about it."
"I just... uh..." No! Duo's inner voice screamed. Stop while you're ahead! But too late, he'd already started, and really, he felt like he could offer a better explanation than that. "Sorry, I just didn't recognize you at first, so you... surprised me a bit, that's all."
"That's understandable." There was the faintest hint of a smile to go with that amiable statement.
"And then... sometimes when I dance, I get into the zone, yanno? And so I saw you and had no idea how long you'd been there, so... Uh, yeah. Threw me off. For more than just those few seconds, apparently, judging by the way I went after you to 'explain' and... totally failed."
"I'm sorry. I'm told I have that effect on people."
"Able to unnerve people in a single glance?"
"Yes."
"...Hell of a super power."
"Thank you."
He wasn't quite sure whether or not he liked it that the other man seemed to be laughing silently at him, but it seemed a very warm, affable laugh, like this was going to become a pleasant inside joke rather than a reason to laugh behind someone's back. It agreed with him, so he let it slide. "Oh, and, uh, sorry about bothering you while you're working."
"It's not a problem. It's good to take a break once in a while."
"Yeah. Well. I guess I'll let you get back to it. Hope you don't think too poorly of me."
Heero shrugged with some level of bemusement. "You're a dancer. You don't like being thrown off-balance, I assume."
It took Duo a moment to get the pun, but he chuckled when he did. "Next time, I'll be prepared for the sudden appearance of a strange face at my window."
"Maybe we should talk some more, then. So our faces won't be so strange to each other anymore." He opened his door all the way in implicit invitation.
Oh. Well. Duo didn't have anywhere else to be right at the moment, and he couldn't really come up with a polite way to excuse himself, if he had been so inclined. He took a few steps forward, not doing much more than crossing the threshold, and looked at the arrangement of equipment inside. "Hey, all settled in now, eh?"
"More or less," Heero answered easily, leaving the door open to settle into his workstation chair.
"Do you really need, what, five monitors, and three computers?"
"And two laptops? Yes. One of the advantages to getting myself an office."
"Oh? Yeah, you're a freelancer. Why don't you just work at home?"
"Well, the tax implications of a home office are a pain to work out, and..."
Duo slept a lot better that night.
~*~
Day -130
Duo was on his way out when he ran into Heero in the hall. He took in the other man's attire with a bit of a blink. "Going for a run?"
"Yeah." Heero crouched to tighten his shoelace. "It's a nice day today, and it's good to take a break in the afternoon, get the blood flowing."
"Oh." He'd noticed that Heero cut a fairly trim figure before, but he hadn't really expected a desk jockey to actually be fit. "I guess it's just like a coffee break. But better for you."
Standing, Heero quirked his lips slightly at the somewhat inane observation. "It's good for my work, too. Gives me time to think. I've come up with good, creative ideas while running before."
"Creative? I didn't know there was much creativity involved in programming."
"Sure, why not? Programming's all about problem solving. There are smart ways to do things, and stupid ways. Brute-force ways and elegant ways. Tried-and-true ways and innovative ways. And the people I work for don't typically come to me asking for something they could get an intern to write."
"Oh, well... I'm not sure I would have called 'problem solving' 'creativity'..."
Heero smiled tolerantly. "Do you only believe in creativity for creativity's sake? When you dance, when you have a piece of choreography, isn't it choreographed in a way to express something specific? It's an interpretation of the music, or meant to evoke some emotion, paint some picture, represent some idea. Couldn't you say, in a sense, that the choreography that comes out of the process is a solution to the problem of how to express whatever it is you're trying to express?"
Duo's brow wrinkled skeptically, but he felt obliged to work his way through the analogy in the face of Heero's patient look. "...I'm not sure I'd go quite that far. But I could see how duct tape and bubble gum might result in some very creative solutions to a variety of problems."
"Well, there you go. I try to avoid the duct tape and bubble gum approach in code. It tends not to be very robust or scaleable. But the idea's the same. You have a certain set of tools at your disposal. It's your job to figure out how best to utilize them to get the job done."
"Ah. Well, sorry to interrupt you again. Get on out there and, uh, innovate!"
Heero saluted him with a lazy smirk. "See you around," he said as he turned to leave.
"Yeah," Duo answered faintly.
He got to wondering, as he slowly followed Heero out the door, if maybe he was dancing to the wrong tunes, or trying to express the wrong ideas, or coming up with the wrong 'solutions' to his 'problems'.
By the time he got to his car, he had thoroughly confused himself and resolved to dismiss it from his mind.
~*~
Day -110
Duo waited around casually for the last of her students to leave before he turned to ask the question he'd had on his mind since seeing her this afternoon. "So, did you get any good flirts in yesterday with Upstairs-Guy?"
Hilde gave him a slightly odd look, but she seemed to understand the question just fine. "I went upstairs to ask him a perfectly innocent question on whether or not we were bothering him with all of our music and stomping down here."
"And it was very considerate and neighborly of you," Duo agreed patiently. "It was also an excellent opportunity for you to impress him with your fine consideration and neighborliness."
She had admitted as much yesterday, so she didn't fight it very hard. "Yes, well." She paused for a dramatic sigh. "I won't be trying that again."
He winced in sympathy. "Ooh. Girlfriend? Wife? Jackass?"
"Gay."
He suppressed a snicker, though poorly. "Wow, that sucks. What are the chances? I mean, I get that you could ask a dancer out and he might turn out to be gay. But random programmer guy upstairs? That's rough."
"Tell me about it. Oh well. I can still look at him."
"Oh, so I guess he let you down nicely, then?"
"He was quite polite about being uninterested. Didn't just whip out the handy gay excuse like he could have. Actually, he probably wouldn't even have said anything about that if I hadn't asked him."
"Wow, you asked him if he was gay? Because he wasn't interested in you?"
She elbowed him. "Oh, hush you. It wasn't like that." There was a pause accompanied by the return of that odd look from earlier. "He just... Well. A ping finally went off on my gaydar. Let's just say that."
"Huh." He took a moment to digest that information. "He doesn't really strike me as... Well, not that you can... you know. You just outright asked him? What if he was totally in the closet or something?"
"Oh, come on. You've met him. Does he really seem like someone who'd be that uncomfortable with himself?"
"Well, he does wear yellow house slippers in his office without any self-consciousness, so... maybe not."
"And I did kind of apologize for being so forward. And you know what he said?" She laughed. "He said, if you can't out yourself to a couple of dancers, who can you out yourself to? But then he apologized for the stereotyping. He's a real sweetie."
~*~
Day -100
They ran into each other again in the hallway outside. "Hey, working late again?" Duo asked, locking the door to the studio.
Heero tugged the strap of his messenger bag into a more comfortable position across his chest. "I could say the same for you."
"Me? Nah, I don't consider this work."
"Because you enjoy your job? By that metric, then I'm not here working either."
Duo turned and took in the bag that probably held a laptop containing the results of the day's labors. "Well, okay, but I'm not 'on the clock' right now. I'm just dancing for myself." On a technicality. He usually came out at night to 'work', prepping for a class, rehearsing for the upcoming shows. It typically ended with some personal time, though. Dancing at home was not an option for him, and he figured it was probably likely he'd have to dance his way out of his little personal problem.
"I write code for myself sometimes, too."
"...What, because it's just so awesome, you can't help yourself?"
"Sometimes." Heero chuckled, settling casually against the wall. "If it makes you feel any better, I don't understand the first thing about dancing."
"No, really?" Duo could wrap his head around the concept, but only by defining 'dancing' in the way he knew most non-dancers would. For him personally, dancing was just like talking, expressing himself with the movements of his body instead of his words. There wasn't anything to understand about it. He just did it. "Never gone clubbing? Didn't rock out as a kid?"
A bemused shake of Heero's head was the response.
"Didn't take a girl to the prom?"
"Oh, well I suppose, but I don't really count that." He shrugged. "She coaxed a basic box step out of me, but that's about it."
"Heh." Ballroom dancing. Now there was something Duo had never felt compelled to master. It could be fun, but his body wasn't quite tuned to its particular motions, and he was okay with that. "Oh. Wait, I thought you were..."
"Gay? Hilde told you?"
"Uh. Yeah." Duo's discomfort was smoothed over by the quirk of Heero's lips.
"I didn't have it all figured out until I was in college."
"Oh. So now you're all... out and stuff?"
The quirk became a full-blown crooked smile. "Yes. I don't have any rainbow flags hanging on my walls, but yes."
"You know... this is probably a really weird thing to say..." It had been on his mind since Hilde had brought it up the other day, and he figured he might as well just get it out of his system. What was the harm? Heero probably already thought he was a basketcase, anyway. "But I always sorta... yanno... sympathized with the whole gay experience. I'm sure it was probably absolutely nothing compared to what real gay kids went through, but... I mean, as a guy dancer, everyone pretty much just assumes you're gay, yanno? And even if they don't, well, dancing's 'gay' anyway, right? And I knew all those guys were full of shit, and I knew none of it was true, and that I could out-athlete any of them, and hell, I even got along with most of them, but even still, it annoyed the hell out of me sometimes. So I can only imagine how much worse it would be if I didn't have that level of protection."
Heero nodded understandingly. "Double whammy, huh? Got teased for being gay, and for being a dancer."
"Ah, well... technically there's nothing wrong with being a dancer. If I'd danced hip-hop, there wouldn't have been any problems." He busted a couple of quick moves. "I'm told I'm pretty fly for a white guy."
Heero's lips pressed together for moment, as if he was suppressing a snicker. "I agree, but that's just my thoroughly unprofessional and unqualified assessment."
"Heh. Thank you." He sketched a quick bow. "But, you know, contemporary's just one step away from ballet, and only gay guys like ballet, right?" He tagged the question with a slight roll of his eyes to make clear what he thought of the idea.
"I don't know enough about ballet to have an opinion, I'm afraid. I think I have one gay friend who might, though."
"Just one? Bah, there goes that popular misconception."
"Well, we can't all be sugar plum fairies."
A small laugh burst out of Duo. "At least I managed to avoid the cheerleader route. Some guys, some schools, cheerleading's the only option for them if they want to get even close to dance. And I bet a lot of guys would rather just not dance than do that, no matter how legitimate of a sport it is. Stigma is stigma. So they never really get the opportunities they need to develop." Extracurricular classes like his could help, but weren't nearly the same as serious training.
"I'd be interested in seeing the unemployment numbers among the gay community."
"Huh?"
"It seems like there are so many jobs out there that only gay men would be interested in. Surely there must be enough positions open for everyone to fill."
Duo laughed again. Their programmer neighbor had quite the droll sense of humor. Probably useful. There were many days when Duo was sure he would have been in trouble with the guys that razzed him, if he hadn't been able to laugh things off. A good sense of humor was as much a self-defense mechanism as anything else. "Well, you can't have my job, sorry."
"I don't know how you got it. Affirmative action?"
One last chuckle. "No one else wanted it, I guess. Lucky me."
"Not all luck, I'm sure," Heero rebutted with another smile. "In my thoroughly unprofessional and unqualified opinion."
"I thought you didn't watch me." Duo's accusation had a teasing lilt to it.
"I didn't stalk you. But when I happened to glance your way, I might have seen something that warranted a second glance or two."
"Oh...." There was just something odd about that statement, or the way it made him feel, that made him hesitate.
The tone of Heero's words was somewhat unrepentant, but the expression on his face conveyed a faint apology. "I'm sorry, did I make things awkward again?"
"Huh? Oh, no. You'd think I'd just be used to it, that's all. I'm a performer, aren't I? I perform for people. In front of people."
"That doesn't mean you have to put everything out on display for people, though. I'm sorry for intruding on a private moment."
"No, it was... uh. Unintentional. Not a problem."
"...Alright." Heero pushed himself off the wall and straightened his bag again. "Good night, Duo."
"Yeah. Good night."
A good night for brooding, perhaps. Duo was quite comfortable with the idea of putting everything he had into his dancing. He had to, if he wanted to be as good as he knew he could be.
He was quite comfortable with the idea of dancing in front of other people.
Logically, that meant he would be putting everything he had out there, in front of other people, if he wanted to succeed. Why did that leave him feeling uneasy?
~*~
Day -45
Duo was digging irritably at a spot between his shoulder blades when he heard the front door to the building open. Hilde opened the door shortly thereafter, which wasn't surprising since he had asked her to help out today. He hadn't quite expected their neighbor to stick his head in after her.
"Yeah," Hilde said, answering something Heero had asked her in the hall. "This little stinker strained something last night."
Something about that statement compelled Duo to defend himself. "I didn't strain anything. I just... slept funny. And it hasn't gone away yet." As if to prove it, he stretched the offending muscle in his back and produced a wince.
"This isn't one of those sports where you just fight through it, I assume?" Heero asked innocently.
"'Fighting through it' is for people who spend most of their time with both feet on the floor," Duo answered dryly. "One cramp at the wrong time, and you could be face-planting, and taking your partner with you."
"What happens when you sleep funny the night before a performance?"
"Mmm, therapeutic massage," Hilde sighed. "Preferably from a handsome young lad with talented fingers."
Duo snorted. "Well, I don't happen to have one of those at the moment, so calling in a favor from a friend works just as well. Uh, to help teach the class, that is."
"I beg to differ," Duo thought he heard Heero murmur, but he could have been wrong. Heero moved on to his next question before Duo could contemplate it over-much. "What happens if you get a cramp during a performance?"
Hilde answered. "Well, if you're taking care of yourself properly, you'll be less likely to get a cramp, or be injured or whatever. You stretch first, of course, don't go past your limits. Really doesn't take much to end your career, or at least knock you out for the season. Keep yourself properly hydrated. Don't be one of those anorexic types. How you can have the energy to dance without eating anything, I don't know. Generally, you listen to what your body is telling you. That's gotta be like rule number one. Listen to what your body is telling you. You can't dance properly if you're not listening to your body."
Duo concurred. It really was one of those basic lessons drilled into a dancer. Right now, his body was telling him that he'd slept poorly last night. After he'd woken with a knot in the back of his shoulder, he'd tried to relax and will it away, but the attempt was futile when the forced insomnia left him dwelling on his little problem, which was hardly relaxing. His clock was ticking down, and he was still no closer to finding his answers than when he'd started.
~*~
Day -1
Duo jumped a little when he heard the knock at the door. He looked up, and found their neighbor's face in the window. A moment later, the studio door opened, and the man himself made an appearance. "Hi. I was passing by. Figured I'd knock this time so I didn't surprise you. Sorry if I surprised you."
There was a moment's worth of silence before Duo let out a weak laugh. "Hey. Hi. Uh, no, sorry. Just wasn't expecting anyone tonight, I guess."
Heero smiled encouragingly. "So you can get lost in your own little world, even when you're not dancing, hm?"
"Well, I was just..." He trailed off vaguely. He was just dancing. Sort of. Brooding. Panicking. Being angry and frustrated and depressed and generally rather negative.
He was the recipient of a piercing blue gaze for a couple of seconds before Heero blinked and became the mild-mannered programmer he was familiar with. "So... classes are over for the year, huh? Will I be seeing you next year?"
Good lord, an innocent question unleashed directly into the very heart of the matter. Duo tried to will away the deer-in-the-headlights feeling he got by plucking a casual response out of the air and throwing it under the bus. "Um, I'm not sure yet, yanno? Depends on what opportunities come up in the next few months, that sort of thing. Might see me tomorrow. Kids have gotta pick up some of their stuff."
"I went to your recital tonight."
"What? Really?"
"Yeah. All these months, being upstairs... Figured I should get to see what it was all about. I was pretty impressed by your class. Hilde's, too."
"Oh. Well. Thanks. They put in a lot of hard work." It would have been nice to see Heero there. Maybe it would have been like a nice little island of calm in the middle of all the young, nervous dancers and camera-wielding helicopter parents. Maybe it could have helped Duo keep from overanalyzing things, studying all of the young dancers from his class and the others, picking out the ones that looked like they had the passion and the drive. Trying to identify what it was that made them different from the others. Trying to identify what made them different from him.
"Sad that it's over?"
Duo caught a 'huh?' on the end of his tongue and aborted it. The question caught up with him, and he realized his attention had drifted away in an obvious manner. Tonight of all nights was a terrible time to talk to him. He felt tight in his chest, like he couldn't get a decent deep breath, like he knew that his entire life was going to change in the next two hours before midnight, and there was nothing he could do about it. He'd tried his damnedest, but apparently things just didn't work that way.
If he hadn't figured it out after three hundred sixty-four days and twenty-two hours, two more hours wouldn't help him. He threw in the towel with a little hitch in his breath. Suddenly worried that he wouldn't be able to keep it together, he started to say whatever he needed to say to kick his visitor out, but the words never made it out of his throat. He thought at first that he was just getting choked up, but it turned out that other words just cut in line and came out instead. "Hey. You're a problem solver, right?"
Heero regarded him carefully. "I like to think so. Do you have a problem?"
A bitter chuckle erupted out of him. "I think so. Yeah, I think so. I think... I'm having a little mid-life crisis, you see."
"I see." He shut the studio door behind him and moved to Duo's side. "Need to talk it out a bit?"
"If... if you don't mind." He sighed explosively and paced over to the wall to slump against it. He stayed silent as Heero sat down as well, unslinging the messenger bag from over his shoulder and setting it down beside him, and in so doing, signaling his comfort with staying for a while. Duo still didn't say anything for a minute as he stared at the wooden floor, trying to gather his thoughts into some sort of coherent whole.
Heero waited patiently for him to begin.
"I..." Duo got up abruptly and paced some more. He always thought better on his feet. Or so he'd thought. Fat lot of good it'd done him these past twelve months. "Last year, I tried out for this part. I didn't get it. Whatever, no big deal. But... the reason I didn't get it was because... because I wasn't really into it, I guess. No, that's not right. I mean, I wanted the part, I was serious about it, and my audition was solid, except... I wasn't in the zone, I was thinking too hard about it, my head wasn't in the right place... However you want to describe it. And it showed."
"Everyone has their off-days," Heero suggested softly, after watching Duo pace for a minute.
"Everyone has their off-days," Duo repeated agitatedly. "But I'm having a lot more off-days than on-days, and that's... that's just unacceptable! I used to be able to lose myself in my dance like that." He inserted the obligatory snap of his fingers. "And these days, it's like the slightest thing can pull me out of it. If I could even get in to it in the first place."
"So... what you're trying to do is... get your groove back?"
"Yes! Or at least figure out where the hell it went! At least then, I'd have something I could do something about. Or not, maybe. It's a bit too late for that now, I guess."
"Why?"
"Because!" He finally stopped pacing to look at Heero a bit wildly. "Because... because I didn't do all the stuff that I've done, just to be a mediocre dancer. Because if I can't get back in the groove... Last year, I promised myself. I made myself a deadline. I gave myself a year to figure this out. And if I couldn't figure it out by then, then I'd put myself out of my misery -- put my dance out of its misery! -- and quit. If I can't do it right, then I shouldn't even be doing it at all."
"And... time's up?"
"Time's up!" Duo exclaimed, putting himself back into motion again. "It was tomorrow, one year ago. Time is up."
"Seems a bit... hasty."
Duo barked out a sharp laugh. "Okay, so I'm a bit dramatic. What do you expect from a performer? I mean it, though. If I can't..." He dropped suddenly to the floor and buried his face in his hands. "I don't want to drag this out. I don't want to keep going, thinking 'maybe this time...' and just being disappointed over and over again... or even worse, just not caring anymore! It'd be one thing if I didn't know what I'm missing. But I know it's in me."
"Tell me about it. Explain it to me, this thing you're trying to recover."
Duo stared at him for a few heartbeats, long enough for it to click that Heero wasn't just asking for clarification. He was just trying to help Duo think his way through the problem. Duo almost laughed, but heck, what did he have to lose? Might as well make his last two hours as a dancer pass with a bang, not a whimper.
And yet when he opened his mouth to begin, he knew it would be a hard-fought bang. He didn't even know where to start. Maybe Heero had the right of things. How could he find what he was looking for, when he couldn't even describe it?
Heero, sensing his loss for words, asked him some basic, simple questions, and slowly, Duo moved toward his answer. It was an intangible thing, the kind of thing a person only thought about after the fact, because when he was in the middle of it, he wasn't thinking, he was dancing, in the ultimate harmony of body, mind, and heart. His highest goal as a dancer wasn't to stun the observer with feats of technical prowess, but to draw the observer in to that synchronized state, to be a part of it and feel it for himself. He really couldn't explain it much better than that. It just somehow wasn't as immersive without that extra little oomph.
After some probing, Duo was forced to concede that not every dance had to achieve that state of nirvana. All of his performances, maybe, but maybe not all the ones in-between. Those others may have lacked that vital spark that elevated the dance to the next level, but it wasn't as if he was tripping over his own feet and missing his cues. It even made a kind of sense that a machine couldn't be run at maximum output all the time. It wasn't much, but it was nice to be able to cross at least a few instances off the list, and trim down his goal to a no-less-ambitious but still-technically-smaller size.
Sensing the onset of unproductive frustration, Heero suggested that perhaps he was thinking way too hard about things, and threw out some tangents that evolved into reminiscing, joking around a little, and chatting about all manner of relevant and irrelevant things.
Duo was on his feet, demonstrating something to Heero, when he realized that he felt great, awesome, unstoppable, and for the first time in a long time, instead of over-analyzing it, he opened himself up to it, and found that all was right with his world, like the beating of his heart was synced to the rhythm of the universe, at this time, in this place, with this—
It was like that one innocent thought triggered a series of rapid-fire realizations, so quick and comprehensive, it was as if those realizations had always been there, waiting in the wings, waiting for stars to align.
It took Heero a moment to think that maybe Duo's leap into a graceful sprawl on the floor had been unplanned. It was nearly midnight now, yes, but surely Duo hadn't meant to quit dancing quite so literally. Concerned with the way Duo wasn't moving, but not quite confident in his assessment, he called Duo's name out softly.
Duo lifted his head suddenly, a stricken look on his face. They stared at each other for a couple of seconds before Heero shook off the surprise and started to ask what was going on.
The threat of words seemed to spur Duo into action. He bounced to his feet as quickly as he had tumbled and plastered on a grin. "Well, gosh, look at the time. It's late. So sorry to have kept you!"
Heero was understandably confused, but got slowly to his feet in response. "Duo, are you--"
"Yeah, I need to be going, too! Bet you didn't wander in here tonight, expecting to be caught up in some weird therapy session, anyway! Thanks, but you've probably got to be on your way."
This was clearly a dismissal, and Heero wasn't quite sure whether or not he wanted to cooperate. Scratch that, he was sure he didn't want to cooperate, but he wasn't sure Duo would let him do otherwise. He was handed his messenger bag and guided to the door, scarcely able to get a word in edgewise as Duo apologized loudly about the hour, and then he was on the other side of the door and it was shutting behind him.
Duo glued himself to the wall beside the door, invisible through the window from outside, until he was certain that Heero had left the premises. Only several minutes after the front door shut did he allow himself to slide down to the floor and run a shaky hand through his bangs. His whole world had just turned upside-down, but he felt there was one thing he could be certain of -- there would be no dancing his way out of this one.
~*~
Day 0
Duo and Hilde were locking up the studio for the last time that season when Hilde looked up and saw their neighbor sitting on the wide stairs leading up to his office, watching them with an unexpectedly intense look on his face. She greeted him cheerfully. "Hey there, come to say good-bye? I'd have gone up if you hadn't come down."
Heero smiled at her, though his eyes were still slanted in Duo's direction. The other man was fiddling with the lock and very definitely not looking up. "Hi, Hilde. Will I be seeing you again later?"
"Oh, probably," she answered, with none of the hesitation Duo had when asked the same question. "Not sure what the schedule is like so far. If not this fall, then next year for sure. The guild's still got a lease on this place, though, so it probably won't stay empty down here for too long. There's all kinds of use for a studio."
"Well, it won't be the same without you."
"You'll still be here, won't you? If I'm ever passing by, maybe I'll drop by to say hello."
"Please do. And if you ever need a software solution... you know where to find me."
She laughed. "I'll keep that in mind. Whoa, hey Duo, not even a goodbye?"
Having finished with the lock, Duo tried to slip away with just a wave over his shoulder, but obviously, he'd been caught. "Yeah. See you guys later." He waved again and continued walking down the hall without looking back.
"Duo." Heero's voice caught him before he had taken more than a few steps. He stopped, turned to look without really willing it, saw Hilde staring at the two of them expectantly, and Heero staring at him... seemingly without any intention of saying anything more.
"'Bye." He turned toward the front door again, and didn't go any further. It wasn't clear to him whether it was his own idea, or Heero's electric blue gaze holding him back. In the end, he turned another one-eighty and marched silently up the stairs to Heero's office.
"What the...?" Hilde was more confused than offended.
Heero stood up and absently smoothed his pants down. "Good day, Hilde. I wish you luck on whatever it is you do next." Her faint gratitude trailed him up the stairs.
He found Duo slumped into the armchair he kept in his office, staring off into space. Closing the door behind him, Heero took a seat at his desk, rolling the chair off to the side a bit to interact without his computers in the way. He sensed that Duo wouldn't be the one to start talking, so he set things in motion himself. "Figured it out?"
"Yeah," was the terse reply.
"Not happy?"
"Definitely not the word I would use."
"Still dancing?"
There was a pause, and then a snort of laughter. "Ironically... that's about the farthest thing from my mind right now. Hell, I guess I'm still dancing. Or at least, not quitting right just now. That's the last thing I feel like dealing with right now."
Heero puzzled that one over, trying to figure out the next thing to ask that might elicit a useful response. He half-hoped that Duo would volunteer a little something, but he was disappointed. "...Have a problem you need to talk out a bit?"
And wasn't that what had gotten him into this mess? Well, no, Duo thought, couldn't blame Heero. Heero did exactly as advertised and helped him identify what was wrong. Had to be Duo's fault more than anyone else's that he didn't like the answer. And no, that wasn't quite true. It was only that... "I've been dancing for the other team, Heero."
Heero nodded agreeably, pondering the declaration for a few seconds before responding with a shake of his head. "I'm not sure what that means."
"It means..." He scrubbed his face over with his hand. "It means, last night... I had a gay thought, Heero."
"Oh, you meant... Oh." The conversation had clearly taken a turn that Heero had not anticipated, but that was okay, because Duo hadn't anticipated anything of the last twenty-four hours. "Well. One gay thought doesn't make you gay."
"No. But it's enough to make a guy think. And I've thought. And it sure does explain a hell of a lot."
"Well... that means it's a possible answer. Not that it's the right answer."
"Well, it's the only answer I've got! And it makes way too much sense not to be right." Duo's leg started jiggling, like he couldn't stand not being in motion, but he hadn't quite worked himself up to pacing yet.
"How does it explain... your problem?"
"I broke one of the cardinal rules! Listen to your goddamn body." He shook his head irritably. "Well, body, maybe you should have spoken up a little louder. We coulda been working together all these years, but no, you decided to let me lone-wolf it, and look where that's gotten us!"
"I... guess I can see that." Enough so that he would take Duo's word for it, at least, even if he didn't completely understand the logic behind it. "But are you sure you're not out of tune with your body for some other reason? One gay thought is... not very many."
"Oh? And just how many is enough? Is there some requirements list I need to go through?"
"Well, there's usually an attraction to another man in there somewhere."
"I've checked other guys out before."
"...You have?"
"I've always figured I was scoping out the competition, but maybe I was wrong."
"Or maybe you were scoping out the competition."
"Or maybe I wasn't."
"Look, Duo, even if it turns out you are gay, that doesn't mean that everything you've ever done was on account of your sexuality. Don't go re-defining your entire life around it. You're more than that."
Damn straight. He was a dancer, and this was just a big stupid speed bump on his road of life. "Okay, when you put it that way, fine. But I'm not just psyching myself out about this. I was thinking last night--"
"Duo, I don't think you can think your way into being gay, any more than could think your way into connecting with your audience."
"Why are you trying to talk me out of this?"
"I'm not trying to--" Heero cut himself off and took a cleansing breath before starting over. "This is a big, life-altering thing you're talking about here. And I can't help but think you're taking it a little too well to be right about it."
"Being gay can't be that much harder than being a dancer," Duo retorted dryly. "Everyone thinks I'm gay anyway. Or that I'm a stripper. Either way, I don't get much respect."
"We've had this conversation before. You've always had the protection of knowing they were wrong."
"Well, they're still wrong. They're wrong if they think that stuff just because I'm a dancer. They might get lucky, but that doesn't mean they're right."
"Why were you trying to avoid me out in the hall?"
"Oh, well..." Duo deflated a little, sitting back in his chair with a sigh. "I realize that this can and probably will upend my life for a little while. I'm not totally stupid. Maybe it hasn't really sunk in yet. I dunno. I'm not really looking forward to it. And I... I wasn't so sure I was ready to poke at it. But... I figured I at least owed you an explanation. And you were stalking me out there in the hall, so I figured you wanted one, too."
Heero smiled faintly. "Okay, this time, I was stalking you. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. You had me worried last night."
"Yeah... Sorry 'bout that. I... That was just about the last thing I expected."
"It's fine. It's not something most people take very well at first. No one 'wants' to be gay."
"It's not so much the gay part. I've never been all that much of a ladies' man -- and I guess I know why, now. Anyway, it's not like I have a lot of identity built around my sexuality. As you yourself just pointed out. It'd be way more disturbing to have danced contemporary all this time, only to find out that my heart's actually in ballroom. Now THAT would be disturbing. This... is disturbing in a similar kind of way, but not nearly as traumatic."
"You've said yourself that you've invested a lot of time in telling people you're not gay."
He frowned, a slight wrinkle forming on his brow as he contemplated it. "I wasn't being defensive about it. I was just -- well, I thought I was just stating a fact, and pointing out their stupidity. Joke's on me, it turns out, but whatever."
"Why were you even having 'gay thoughts' while dancing?"
"I was just -- I had a thought. It wasn't particularly gay, but it triggered a series of thoughts that had gay implications. Let's leave it at that, okay? Anyway. Yeah, I was really thrown for a loop last night, but I've had a good bit of time to think about it now, and... Look, if it turns out I'm wrong and I'm not gay, yay, crisis averted. Well, actually no, 'cuz then I need to find another reason for why I've been sucking recently, and I'd really like to keep dancing. I'm a little past my deadline now, but hey, maybe it's like basketball and how the ball hitting the rim resets the shot clock, even if it doesn't go in. Oh hey, sports analogy, maybe you're right and I'm not gay after all."
Heero snorted.
"Regardless, I think I'm on the right track. It makes sense in all the right ways."
"Alright. Let's say you're gay. How does that 'fix' your problem?"
He didn't have an answer to that. He thought about it, and continued to think about it as Heero got up and set some water to boiling in his electric hot pot. It wasn't until Heero handed him the cup of green tea he'd absently agreed to that he came forth with the beginnings of an answer. "I have two choices here. Deny it, or... go with it. Three choices, technically. I can also just... not think about it. I don't think that's gonna work. Not that, or denying it. I mean, isn't that really what I've been doing all these years? I know where that'll lead me. I almost lost something very important to me. I almost lost... me. That's... that's enough to scare anybody... heh, 'straight', as it were."
"I've never known anybody who was in the closet and happy to be there."
"Yeah, I can imagine..." He sighed heavily and sipped at his tea. "As for my 'problem'... Maybe my mind and my body will settle back into a good working relationship again once I've let my body say 'I told you so' a few dozen times."
~*~
Day 9
Summer classes were over, but the show for the fall season was coming together. Life marched on, whether or not a man was in the middle of resolving a little mid-life crisis.
Duo danced. They were still going over new routines, so his body could go through the motions while his heart took a break. He'd let himself think about it off and on over the last few days, but made the deliberate effort not to over-think it. He didn't always succeed, but at least he kept it in mind.
The answer... had not been proven wrong yet. Had not been proven right, either, except... except sometimes, he had that little gay thought again, and if he stayed right there, without digging too far into its implications, he found it warmed his heart. Maybe he wasn't sure about all those implications yet, whether he'd read them right or not, but that first thought, the one that apparently bypassed all his filters and came to him pure and untouched by all his worries, that thought was real.
~*~
Day 18
He met some of Heero's friends the other day. An established gay couple, and their 'token straight guy' friend. They all politely refrained from discussing his possible journey from one side of the fence to the other, aside from the requisite jokes about a dancer's flexibility. Instead, they made whimsically casual and surprisingly comfortable conversation. It made Duo realize how long it'd been since he'd last hung out with someone who wasn't a dancer, Heero not included. Maybe that had contributed to things. Maybe it hadn't.
Tonight, however, he thought he might be ready to talk about... stuff.
~*~
Day 24
Of course, now that it was on his mind, he was checking people out all the time, male and female. It was getting a little embarrassing, at least in his own mind. No one had caught him at it yet, and really, he still wasn't quite sure if he was evaluating people from a sexual point of view, or a more objective perspective. His appraisals were brief, automatic... It was impossible to say if he was being professional, or if simply no one had caught his eye.
All he really knew for sure was that nobody had turned him on yet, male or female, and that was more of a relief than anything else, really. He spent a lot of hours being around young, healthy, sometimes dubiously-clad bodies, and he hardly needed that kind of complication in his life.
It was a little bit like puberty all over again, and he wasn't quite sure if he would have accepted all of this quite so easily if someone had told him he'd have to relive those formative years. While he'd never developed much interest in the opposite sex -- the same sex hadn't even been on his radar -- he'd still had to fumble his way through figuring out the differences between liking someone and liking someone. He remembered having to keep pace with the shifting social hierarchy, as members of his class rose and fell and were judged and pigeon-holed due to developments quite beyond their control.
And then there was all that time spent in a body that was growing and changing and completely throwing his balance off as a dancer. One day he'd be fine, and the next his feet were never quite where he expected them to be. There had been times he'd resented being a stranger in his own skin, but he'd also understood that there was something waiting for him on the other side, that he would come into his own and be the man he was meant to be.
Yes, it was a little bit like puberty all over again. Maybe he'd get through this okay after all.
~*~
Day 35
"Too bad you can't make it tonight."
"Sorry, but a guy's gotta make a living. And for me, that often involves some irregular hours." He could have left it at that, but there was something strange about Heero that made him want to engage. "And... you know. I've already hung out with you guys a bit. I don't mean to muscle in on your friends like this."
"...I hope they'll be your friends, too."
"...Oh. Well, yeah..." Duo supposed that was better than his original idea. He'd felt a little bad using Heero's friends as his own personal little coming-out support group. His solution had been to distance himself, though. "It's kind of funny. I think I've been getting along with Wufei the best."
"Oh?" It was a casual sort of sound, but then Heero's expression turned slightly puzzled. "Why is that funny?"
Duo chuckled slightly. "Well, Trowa and Quatre are cool, too, but... uh. Well, Wufei's the straight guy. He actually remembers what it's like to be straight. You figured it out a while ago. You said Trowa figured it out even earlier, and Quatre was in the closet long enough to do a number on his head. You'd think maybe Quatre and me'd get on pretty well because of that, but..."
"Quatre's still working his own problems out," Heero agreed. "And he's trying to reconcile himself with his world. You're just trying to reconcile yourself with yourself."
"Ha, I guess that's a good way to put it. So Wufei... He's still an outsider to your world, for all that he's pretty comfortable in it. Helps that he has a fiancée, I'm sure, one who prefers him there than elsewhere."
"That was a joke, you know. Wufei's eyes would never wander, no matter whose company he keeps."
"Ah, yeah, I'd sort of thought so, after getting to know him a bit, but I thought it was probably best not to stick my nose in it." He tried not to make assumptions about people. Golden Rule and all. Didn't usually work out for him, though. "Anyway, I'm still an outsider, too. Sometimes he knows sooner than I do, what I'm gonna find weird."
"Don't push yourself into not finding it weird."
"Are you saying you still think I might be wrong?"
"Don't get me wrong, Duo. You have nothing to prove to me."
"That's good, 'cuz I'm not sure how exactly I'd go about doing that."
"It's just... It's something you should be sure about. Not because it's the convenient answer or the obvious answer. But because it's the right answer. And..." He shrugged apologetically. "Sorry, I guess I'm just too much an engineer to trust answers that just... come out of nowhere like that."
"Hey, didn't you say that you get creative inspirations sometimes? While you're out on a run or whatever?"
"I suppose... but after I get that inspiration, I come back to my computer and implement them and see what comes of it. I've been incredibly wrong before."
Duo could admire someone who could admit that so easily. "Fair enough. But maybe I'm just too much a dancer not to listen to my gut." He paused, then shook his head. "Okay, not that I didn't recently learn that I'm actually much more terrible at that than I thought."
Heero's expression went distant for a second before he came back with a smile. "You know... my dad used to tell me in a variety of ways to trust my gut. I remember him phrasing it once as, dance to the beat of my own heart. I've tried to live by that."
"Hey, and you said you didn't know anything about dancing."
"Well, you know a lot more about dancing than I do, Duo, so... leave the unattractive gurgling of our guts to us plebs. You need to start dancing to the beat of your heart."
Duo laughed warmly. "I'll do my best."
~*~
Day 47
He sat nervously, watching Heero put dinner together. It was weird. He felt oddly at home with Heero, but not in Heero's apartment. Even without access to the studio, he was used to meeting Heero in his office, a place he had sort of seen as neutral ground, despite it being so thoroughly Heero's. It was still a professional space, and 'his' studio was right downstairs. Heero lived close to his office, so the studio was still close by, but it wasn't the same at all.
At least the weirdness was somewhat consistent on Duo's part. He was still certain he was right, and still comfortable with his conclusion, but old habits were hard to break. There had been about a year in his youth when he might as well have just introduced himself with "Hi, I'm Duo Maxwell and I'm not gay." It was almost second nature for him to deny the inevitable assumptions or accusations. Moving beyond that... was a matter of some effort.
Embracing this knowledge about himself was step one. He thought he'd accomplished that, at least enough to check it off the list. Step two was the doozy, exposing that knowledge to others, leaving himself open to attack without his trusty old shield to rely on. He was far too used to being on the defensive.
Alright, so maybe he'd blithely underestimated the difficulty of this undertaking. But approaching it with confidence instead of insecurity was surely a good idea, right? He'd get the hang of this. He had a safe environment in which to practice, an awesome support network, and some of the best motivation in the world.
~*~
Day 82
He passed by a dance studio and paused for a moment to observe the class within. Young girls pliéd at a barre with looks of intense concentration on their faces. There was a sunny smile from the girl the teacher had just praised. Two of them giggled quietly at the end of the line before resuming their practice with a solemnity belied by the twinkle in their eyes.
Duo smiled, and didn't envy them their youth, their joy, their conviction, their dreams. He didn't have to.
He moved on before some crazy dance mom spotted him and accused him of being the stalker he'd inadvertently accused Heero of being.
That memory left another smile in its wake.
~*~
Day 128
It was his first night with the key to the studio again. It was likely no coincidence that Heero happened to be working late that night, too. He came downstairs for a visit.
Duo danced. Heero watched appreciatively. Duo switched gears and coerced Heero into joining him on the floor to show off that basic box step he claimed some knowledge of. Heero shuffled through it self-consciously, but gradually loosened up under Duo's praise, deft control, and charming smile.
And then Duo decided to mix things up and added motion and rotation and speed and suddenly they were performing grand sweeps across the floor, and Heero stumbled, but kept up, and was laughing and not trying very hard at all to win free.
Heero stumbled once more, perhaps harder than he needed to, and clung breathlessly to Duo for support. And Duo thought that maybe the pounding in his chest was from all that exertion, but he figured he was probably wrong when his lips found Heero's in a blissful, time-bending, mind-altering, heart-filling kiss, and when he dazedly broke away and looked into similarly-dazed, deep-as-the-seven-seas eyes, the first coherent thought he had was, how do you like them gay apples, Heero Yuy?
His thoughts conceded that perhaps they weren't performing at their best right now, not even his gay thoughts. They further conceded that they were perhaps quite unnecessary and possibly even unwelcome right now, and quietly retired for the evening.
The two of them met each other halfway this time, as if their hearts were beating out a joyful harmony, and they danced the night away.
~*~
Day 365
"Carlton's leaps were amazing. Absolutely breathtaking. It felt like he would launch and never come down."
"You know we need more than pure technical skill."
"Well, I suppose Duo worked better with Catherine."
"Did you see the way she threw herself into the air? She trusted Duo to catch her. Wasn't exactly the same with Carlton."
"They've only known each other for two days. It takes time to develop that kind of trust."
"She's only known Duo for two days, too. They connected immediately."
"Duo just seemed a bit... unconventional to me."
"I tell you... I've auditioned Duo before. It was a little bit the same. He was technically strong, though the person we chose over him was just slightly better. Duo's partnering was better. And it might have been a tougher decision that time, except... he was just missing something in his performance. Like he was... holding back, somehow. And two years later, I didn't get that feeling at all. I felt like he put it all out there. I respect a dancer that can grow and improve."
"What, so we can't choose Carlton until he comes back in two years?"
"And shows improvement? Didn't you get a sense of... ego with him? Maybe that's why he seemed cold, somehow. Distant. Even if I'm wrong and he is able to humble himself enough to keep growing, we need someone who can... be vulnerable on stage. Think of what we have lined up. I simply cannot see Carlton filling that role for us in any believable fashion. He would act it. Duo would feel it. And the audience will feel it, through him. That connection, that charisma, is what keeps people coming back, or recommending it to their friends."
"It's not unreasonable for a person not to absorb the choreography in two days."
"No, it's not unreasonable... but here we have someone who did, in fact, absorb it in two days. That says something. He has the experience to draw on."
"I think Carlton actually has more experience at this level."
"I mean emotional experience. Emotional depth. I don't know, maybe Carlton has that, too, but why make excuses for him? Duo's the one who put it on display for us. They're both strong dancers. I just felt Duo was the stronger person. And stronger people make more versatile dancers."
"...Alright. You've convinced me. Let's go make it official."
OWARI
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