Author: CleverYoungThief
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Mention of killing, internal angst, Heero POV
Pairing: None
Archive: Gundam Wing Addiction
Disclaimer: Don't own 'em. Don't sue. College kids are like L2 kids; we got nothin'.
Heero's Story
To be Perfect... I am only a Soldier
Perfect. A word in the English language.
Hai. I have looked it up. An adjective, meaning flawless, faultless. And another meaning, one that could not be associated with me in any manner.
Pure.
/ I hear what they say. Even OZ calls me perfect. The Perfect Soldier. /
I am not the Perfect Soldier. The Perfect Soldier would not have to kill a single innocent to fulfill his objectives. The Perfect Soldier would not have killed hundreds of people, would not have demolished a tenancy complex due to a miscalculation.
/ And even if the Perfect Soldier was the cause of civilian casualties, he wouldn't feel so badly for it. Because the Perfect Soldier would have no emotions. /
I'm not perfect. I have human flaws. I lack sufficient foresight. I am naive, even more so than Duo because at least Duo understands the world around him. I guess that is why I tolerate him as a partner. He is the light, the knowledge of all the things that have not been explained to me.
/ It is hard to understand a world you have only visited in text. /
I make human mistakes. I have lived in a lab for ten years. It is only inevitable that I will make mistakes simply because I do not understand the way things work out here. And I do not want idolization. Because I do not deserve it.
/ I have reviewed the mission with the assassinated Alliance pacifists over in my head, over and over, beginning to end, many, many times. I view it like a reel of memory, even in my dreams. There must have been something I overlooked, something that would have given it away as a ruse. But there is nothing. Still, I will continue to search for my mistake. /
It's the same thing with the colonists. The apartment building.
/ I have destroyed a target that was not within my perimeters. A civilian structure. And then I find that girl lying dead with the snow coming down. I'm sorry that she is dead. I'm sorry that her small, furry, canine companion perished as well. I'm sorry, so sorry, but she is stone cold dead, and sorry will not bring her back. And I have to live with it. /
It was a human mistake. Anyone could have made it. But the Perfect Soldier shouldn't have.
/ I gave my combat report to Doctor J and the others. I returned with that dead dog in my arms. I repeated the essence of my seemingly nonexistent miscalculations with a blank, impenetrable face, just as I have been trained to do. Doctor J and the Superiors sometimes tossed a question at me. I answered them with concise certainty. And I remember what Doctor J said when I was finished: "It sounds like an unavoidable tragedy. Civilian casualties in the truest sense of the word. Destroying OZ from the inside out is the only way to do it. And sometimes it will cost us some mobile suits. Or lives." /
Yes. But is the peace worth the price of lives? Do the means truly justify the ends? Of course, I did not ask that. I know better. I am a soldier. Those are questions of political consideration. And a soldier has no business asking them.
/ "Sir, that Mission was as straightforward as they come. There were no fuck-ups. It was textbook. It was--" /
Perfect.
If that were true, wouldn't those five hundred, forty-seven people still be alive right now? Maybe. I don't know. Now I never will.
/ But was the Mission worth it? A 'suspected mobile suit storage facility'? A child's life in exchange for some beat-up old Leos? /
Better not to even think those thoughts, let alone voice them. I have no opinion in this war. I am a tool; I am not a rebel. I am not a politician. If I was raised under OZ, I would probably complete my missions just as ruthlessly. I am the means to justify the ends. So the Soldier will continue to fulfill his objectives.
I am a gun.
I am a weapon.
I am the best there is.
Loyal. Not just. Not innocent. And without weakness. A dog of war.
But did anyone ask me what I want?
Of course not.
Because I am only a soldier.
OWARI
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